The slippery slope—sex and shame: A critical examination of the Billy Graham rule

Written by Josh

from MT, USA

29 March 2024

<p class="p1" style="margin: 0in 0in 2.25pt; font-size: 25pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">One Thing Leads to Another: The Billy Graham Rule<p class="p1" style="margin: 0in 0in 2.25pt; font-size: 25pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Purity culture thrives on a fallacious form of reasoning known as the “slippery slope fallacy.” It’s more of a colloquialism than it is a formal logical fallacy (1); put simply, it is known as “one thing leads to another,” where ‘another’ is a substantially worse version of the ‘one thing’ in question. Most people have, at some point or another, heard the dubious logic around Gay-Marriage: when presented with ideas like equal treatment of minorities, people inevitably respond, “what’s stopping you from legalizing marriage between children or animals?” This is an example of the slippery slope fallacy. <p class="p1" style="margin: 0in 0in 2.25pt; font-size: 25pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> It is unsurprising that one can find the same form of argumentation around sex between heterosexual relationships as well. While I could spend time illustrating the point, let’s take a direct look at the corpus delicti straight from Paul Washer who aptly demonstrates the problem. This quotation should come with all kinds of trigger warnings for toxic religion and could honestly be the basis for an entire series of articles around mental health. Washer demonstrates numerous examples of cognitive distortions and shame-based reasoning. There is also a great deal of purity-specific language around masculinity, godliness, leadership, and sexuality that—beyond being toxic—may require some translation to unacquainted readers. As a final warning, as a professional psychotherapist, I can confidently claim that what Washer is describing here as “counseling” should not and does not resemble the practices of licensed mental health professionals—although he seems to be using the term colloquially. Putting all that aside for the moment, Washer says the following in the middle of a sermon: <p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Now, let me share with you, to bring to an end, some warnings against sexual immorality. The most dangerous aspect of any relationship between two people of the opposite sex is sexual immorality. That’s it.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Now, I want you to understand something… if you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong, and if you don’t agree with me, you are going to really hurt yourself. So, that’s just a… so that you know.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Here it is, it is impossible to be alone with someone of the opposite sex for any extended period of time, without falling into some form of sexual immorality.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I had a guy call me up one time, he was getting ready to go to seminary, and I knew him, he’s a godly guy. I knew his… the girl he was dating, I knew her a little bit, she’s a godly girl. And he calls me up one day and…I mean, this guy’s a man’s man, and he’s crying.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">He’s like, “I can’t take it anymore.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I said, “Man, what is wrong.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">He said, “You know, I pray, I read the Word. She prays, reads the Word. But when we get together, sometimes we make these commitments that we’re not going to touch, we’re not going to hug, we’re not going to do this. And then one thing leads to another and in the end… You know, she’s confused. She feels shameful, I feel like an idiot who can’t lead a woman. And we do this, and we’ve fallen. We haven’t gone all the way, as they say. But we’ve done things that’s just caused such confusion to the relationship.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And I said, “Well, what do your college counselors tell you to do?” Because he had a lot of guys counseling on campus.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And he said, “Well, they tell me that, you know, this is tough, I need to pray, I need to read the Word and I need to really, you know, it’s difficult.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And I said, “You use my name and you go back and tell them, they need to stop counseling people. And you tell them to come talk to me, if they want to. But I’m telling them to stop counseling people.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Look, God does not command you to pray to be strong enough to do something He told you not to do. It’s just a plain fact. If you’re with a girl long enough, that you’re attracted to, and you’re isolated enough, alone enough, you are going to fall.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Now, that’s just all that’s going to happen. I don’t… it’s not a question of, “Are you strong enough?” The Bible answers that. No, you’re not strong enough, so don’t do it. Do not be alone in dangerous places with that girl, because you are going to fall! And when you do, she’s going to feel ashamed because she’s not acted like a godly young lady. You’re going to feel ashamed and embarrassed because you’ve led her. It’s your fault.<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Calibri Light", sans-serif; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-image: none; background-position: 0% 0%; background-size: auto; background-repeat: repeat; background-attachment: scroll; background-origin: padding-box; background-clip: border-box;"> It’s your fault. I don’t care what happens, it’s your fault. You did it. You’re the man, you’re the leader, it’s your fault. You led her in a way that hurt her. And so you’re the one that’s going to marry this girl. How are you going to lead her when you get married? You see, it is your fault young man.<o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Okay, let’s all take a deep breath and a moment to laugh about the fact that Washer previously quoted Genesis 2:18 several sections beforehand, “It was not good for man to be alone.” I guess he forgot about that biblical point when he started rambling about the relationship between men and women here. Classically, Washer has bolstered is claim of “the Bible says you shouldn’t be alone with the opposite sex” with specific verses about “fleeing” from sexual immorality as they are contrasted with other types of sin where you should “stay and fight.” For instance, one might resist the devil, but they should never go anywhere near sexual immorality because it is more powerful than Satan himself (2).  <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">What washer has discussed is known as the Billy Graham Rule (BGR): no man should be alone with a woman. The emphasis seems to be normally placed on men, as if their own sexual desires cannot be controlled without some kind of external observation. In an almost quantum form, the impact of an external observer saves men from sexual immorality. No room for exhibitionism here, as the good Christian men and women are guaranteed to be mood-killers of any and all sexual sin. As all things tend to occur on a spectrum, there are harder and softer versions of this argument circulating around the Christian populous. While isolation may not always be considered a necessary or proximate cause of sexual immorality, it is far from a protective factor—so the argument goes. Although I have never seen an example of this, one could theoretically make exceptions for career required isolation (my profession as a therapist would—of course—require this, a medical doctor would require this with patients, a crisis worker or first responder may require this, etc.); however, the rule would still be applied to couples who have made their romantic interests clear. One can see a version of this when Washer caveats some of his claims about a person of the opposite sex with “to whom you are attracted.” We will see Washer seem to contradict this caveat later. Even still, certain soft BGR advocates might be comfortable with an opposite gendered pair just so happening to find themselves alone at some point, but perhaps they should avoid actively seeking this as an end prior to marriage. After marriage, some have extended BGM-logic to argue that you should only be alone with your spouse (or even that your spouse or church can dictate with what frequency, isolation, and familiarity you are allowed to interact with the opposite sex [3]). Regardless of whether hard or soft forms of the argument are promoted, there are several implications that are clear: 1) isolation breeds sexual immorality and 2) relationships should be regimented or ordered in a particular way where certain (often most) types of (nonsexual) intimacy are deemed inappropriate outside of marriage. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Scholars have pointed out that while this rule signals the appearance of virtue, it largely exists to protect men or individuals in power. While the BGR did not originate in modern times, it was inundated with popularity after the #metoo movement and “Time’s Up” campaign, where many men refused to be alone with the opposite sex in order to avoid the possibility of an accusation of sexual harassment. This was intended to be a kind of safety net, particularly for high-status men, where an accusation of sexual harassment could be hand-waived by invoking the BGR character virtues of the man in question: “I don’t even allow myself to be alone with the opposite sex, how could I have been sexually harassing them?” It “avoid[s] any situation that would have even the appearance of compromise or suspicion to avoid tarnishing their reputation by either falling prey to sexual temptation or inviting gossip about impropriety” (Kumar & Verma, 2020, p 1). <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">A Queer Look at BGR<p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Right about now, sexual and gender minorities are probably banging their heads against the wall due to the BGR assuming a cisgender, heterosexual, and allosexual norm. If you’re homosexual, BGM doesn’t really specify whether you are supposed to stay away from the same sex or opposite sex. It also doesn’t offer a nice template to explain this problem to your heterosexual friends, who are now confused as to why you get an exception. If you are bisexual, then obviously you become justifiably condemned to a life of social isolation from both genders. As long as you adopt a monogamous relationship style, you might get away with hanging out in group settings or one on one with your gender-queer folks (but they might not be able to hang out with you). Unfortunately, pansexual orientations are just extra screwed here. I would really like to know whether being pansexual or bisexual nullifies the “observer effect” of BGR, but I don’t believe any of the proponents actually thought that far ahead. If you are gender fluid, queer, trans, intersex, or nonbinary it’s not entirely clear what constitutes “the opposite sex.” Best to stay away from everyone, just to be safe. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Beyond being somewhat facetious, there is actually an important point here: BGR compels a certain type of sexual experience as the norm when—quite bluntly—it is not the reality of most people’s experiences. This is especially true of individuals on the asexual spectrum. To aces who are sex-repulsed or sex-neutral, BGR is downright insulting. BGR quite clearly assumes that individuals will be experiencing sexual attraction when alone and ignores the reality that this is just not going to happen. “That is just a fact” as Washer says referring to sexual immorality, seems an exaggeration. Quite rarely are aces of this fashion held up as paragons of virtue. Recall that Washer’s norm was that some sins should be struggled against, yet sexual behaviors (which are also the norm) should be fled. Cognitive dissonance aside, individuals who experience sex-repulsion are often pathologized as having some flaw, denial, or dishonesty. Sexual attraction is always a present, torrential force that cannot be overcome. An alternative is not stated and the norm is assumed: proponents of BGR cannot comprehend of someone who doesn’t want to have sex. In certain cases, asexual individuals do report being bestowed a higher, even holier calling—likely consistent with some of the apostle Paul’s teaching concerning abstinence from marriage. Even in these cases, individuals report failing to obtain a standard of traditional marriage (Jones et al., 2022). It’s a strange and cruel world: either be branded sexually immoral or fail to live up to society’s matrimonial expectations. <p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">For asexuals who tend to fall further along the sex-favorable side of the spectrum (generally defined individuals who experience little or no sexual attraction but may be comfortable or are even interested in having sex for a host of other reasons) BGR is more complicated, but no less harmful. Individuals using the demisexual or aegosexual microlabels still have reasons to voice offense at having their fundamental experience denied. In the case of the demisexual identity, rest assured it would take a long time alone with a person before they became comfortable with any sexual immorality occurring. BGR sets up the expectation that sex is supposed to happen whenever two individuals are alone—an idea which is not only wrong but also dangerous. This becomes even clearer with the aegosexual microlabel, where an individual can almost exclusively apprehend sexual material in their minds, but may even experience significant discomfort actually playing these ideas out in real life. It is a common asexual sentiment where one’s mind being the place sex is most prolific, with many being surprised to learn that the kink community and asexual community tend to overlap substantially. When the imagination becomes the bedroom—so to speak—the possibilities are not limited by the confines of reality. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">BGR explicitly denies this kind of categorization: if you are alone, you will be compelled to have sex with another person in real life. Your mind will take control over the situation and you will end up with “some form of sexual immorality.” The rule is not a demand to acquire positive forms of consent with your sexual partner; furthermore, it assumes that such concerns are either trivial or not necessary, since both parties are unstoppable forces of sexual energy when left unattended. In my personal experience, BGR prolifically contributed and normalized many coercive sex acts throughout my life, several of which I have written about in previous blogposts. What is interesting is the multiplicity of ways BGR has been disempowering. <p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> <p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">First, any person or community subscribing to a form of BGR (both hard and soft versions), when subjected to a negative sexual experience, is not going to be forthcoming about said experience. In many cases, it may even deprive survivors of extremely healthy, “opposite-sex” relationships that promote their wellbeing. This deprives survivors (myself included) of social support. This might be self-explanatory, but the availability of a supportive and empathetic individual is often the difference between resilience and trauma—for a host of reasons, too many for this discussion. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Second, it creates a seemingly problematic discrepancy between sexual fantasy and reality. One of the ways sexual coercion occurs is when a victim is held to a socially understood sexual norm or previously admitted fantasy that they are hesitant to engage in reality. If the expectation is that sex will happen, especially sex in a certain way, individuals will not be able to consent in good faith. Moreover, they will not be able to accurately describe the negative consequences of this interaction. This hermeneutical injustice occurs when groups fail to develop normally accepted categories such as “sexual harassment” which have historically empowered victimized groups through language and education (Panchuck, 2020).  While this is damaging to all of society, BGM’s assumption that sex should be heteronormative is especially damaging to queer individuals. Many individuals, especially asexuals, tend to have fantasies that are either impossible, embarrassing in reality, or that they are simply not interested in actually pursuing. Much of my own sexual trauma involves being shamed into such practices through coercion. BGR also promotes the idea that such impulses should be normalized and fulfilled in marriage; however, this is not always ideal for all parties involved. I have, almost maliciously, been held to standards of sexual behavior that I had no intent of ever engaging. BGR normalized traumatic sex by setting up the expectation that the normal state of mankind was one without impulse control. <p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Third, BGR normalizes questioning your own sexual impulses, removing yourself from the present, and being hypervigilant toward immorality. If you are constantly worried about  whether what you are about to do that is sinful, it is impossible to enjoy the good parts of your own body. What fascinates me about the BGR is how it explicitly promotes this hypervigilance while also expecting it to disappear after someone enters into a marital relationship. In my own case, I traded one scrupulous tendency about my moral standing for an obsessive compulsive standing about whether the others’ sexual needs were met—usually at my own expense. At no point does BGR or purity culture actually preach that sex should be pleasurable. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Fourth, it normalizes an unhealthy amount of control over another person’s autonomy. I was recently reflecting on the parts of my childhood that involved close proximity to an extremely controlling Christian cult. At extreme points, I recall friends having to flee cities to avoid confrontation, violent abuse and torture for sexual immorality, and regular emotional abuse of congregants. More routine, however, was their ability to control exactly who an individual socialized with, at whatever frequency and familiarity they deemed appropriate. My closest friends were often socially unavailable for weeks or months because they had the air of a rebellious posture about them toward the elders. Being a pastor’s kid, I was on a short, unwritten list of individuals that parents wanted their children to socialize—so my friend group could have been even more limited. Interestingly, their goals are not dissimilar to BGR. By controlling how people socialize and with whom, information, behavior, and detractors are kept disempowered. This is more than just BGR’s ability to keep someone from speaking about a particular sexual experience, this is about gatekeeping real (especially nonsexual) intimacy between individuals. People are denied access to real, quality relationships under BGR.<p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p>Washer and BGR Doom us to Sexually Fail</o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">What happens when people have terrible sexual experiences (which were set up to be seen as routine by purity culture and BGR), that they were told were evil and immoral? Ironically, they tend to develop feelings of intense guilt and thoughts where they blame themselves (a few symptoms of PTSD), especially if they were told that they were guilty or blameworthy before (Resick et al., 2017). Quoth the Washer, “You’re going to feel ashamed… it’s your fault.” This point bears repeating, as a lot of us were raised to religiously take on unnecessary blame for sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Resick et al. (2017) goes so far as to make the dramatic claim that such individuals primed toward these cognitions “already had PTSD” (p8), before experiencing any kind of traumatic sexual experience (4).<o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">To drive this final point home, let’s look at another Washer quote. This occurs immediately after the previous quote, saying, <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Well, let’s say that you’re on staff at the church and you and the pastors, the staff and the pastors, go pick him up one day at twelve o’clock to eat lunch. And you knock on the door of the hotel room, and one of the single mom’s, very attractive single mom in your church, opens the door. And you’re like…<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And then all of the sudden the preacher comes to the door and goes, “Hey, how’s it going?”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">You’re going…”What… what on earth is going on here?”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">He says, “Well, come on in. We’re making cookies. We just finished a batch of cookies.”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“You’re doing what?”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“We’re making cookies.”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And you see the cookies on the tray, you see them on the table. You know, they both have got aprons on.<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Do you realize, the meetings are over? You’re going to cancel the meetings. Why? You’re going to look at that preacher and say, “What on earth are you doing? You’re alone in your hotel room with a lady from our church, whose a single mom. The meetings are over. Furthermore, we’re going to have to go call up your board and we’re going to have to talk to your church. This is a scandal!”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">But he says, “But, all I’m doing is being alone with her.”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“Can’t you see how dangerous that is! You have a wife, you have children. She has a testimony.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">In cognitive processing therapy, there is a reason that guilt and shame are called “manufactured emotions” (Resick et al., 2017; Resick & Monson, 2008). This simply means that these emotions are more complicated, requiring both a feeling (grief, shame, or guilt) and a cognition (I am guilty for X). In the scientific literature this “manufactured” label is fairly neutral, as a murderer might feel guilty in many correct ways which do not negate the fact that he had to correctly attribute the blame to himself. In this example, guilt is manufactured but it is also correctly attributed. However, in Washer’s quote, we see how the nature of the word “manufactured” can also mean fake or artificial. Unless I have egregiously misunderstood what Washer is saying here (5), his example utilizes the pretense: nothing wrong—especially of a sexual nature has occurred. He then concludes that the events are still scandalous. He creates guilt and shame from thin air, teaching others to do the same. <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> What Influences our Idea of sex?<p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">There are a lot of things that might contribute to a healthy sexual ethic; however, coming out of purity culture it is abundantly clear that we should be fostering ideas about sex that are free of any unnecessary guilt or shame. Have our ideas about sex been informed by a fault-based mentality? When individuals use BGR to form “guilt by association with isolation” our ideas about sex become inherently associated with guilt. <p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> Footnotes<p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(1) That being said, one could formalize the fallacy as A—>B, B—>C, C—>D; however, this is hardly entertaining. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(2) This is not an exaggeration or a straw-man, Washer actually makes this argument. Both the argument and the quote have been pulled from this transcription <a href="https://illbehonest.com/a-young-mans-attitude-towards-women-paul-washer" style="color: rgb(149, 79, 114);">https://illbehonest.com/a-young-mans-attitude-towards-women-paul-washer</a> <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">[3] Some readers might recognize that this language parallels a recent near-scandal involving Matt Chandler, who had a 100% non-affair with an opposite sex friend. He was sort of disciplined for the way they were interacting, “while the messages were not romantic or sexual in nature, the frequency and familiarity of the messages crossed a line.” <a href="https://people.com/human-interest/what-married-pastor-matt-chandler-did-time-off-messaging-another-woman-reinstatement-process/#:~:text=In%20August%2C%20church%20elders%20said,frequency%20and%20familiarity%20of%20the" style="color: rgb(149, 79, 114);">https://people.com/human-interest/what-married-pastor-matt-chandler-did-time-off-messaging-another-woman-reinstatement-process/#:~:text=In%20August%2C%20church%20elders%20said,frequency%20and%20familiarity%20of%20the</a><o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(4) To be fair to Resick et al. (2017), the point here is highly contextual where individuals who “already had PTSD” had also experienced some form of abuse in childhood; however, the claim that predisposing factors impact negative cognitions is generalizable to the statements described above. <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(5) At this point, I’m extremely open to this possibility, because Washer’s point doesn’t make sense. <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">References<o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Jones, T. W., Power, J., & Jones, T. M. (2022). Religious trauma and moral injury from LGBTQA+ conversion practices. Social Sciences & Medicine (1982), 305, 115040. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2022.115040" style="color: rgb(149, 79, 114);">https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2022.115040</a><o:p></o:p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Kumar, A., & Verma, R. S. (2020). Sexual harassment in academic institutions and demand to regulate male sexuality. Sexuality & Culture, 24(5), 1683-1686. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-020-09715-7" target="_blank">https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-020-09715-7</a><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Panchuck, M. (2020). Distorting concept, obscured experiences, hermeneutical injustice in religious trauma and spiritual violence. Hypatia, 35(4), 607-625. Https://doi.org/10.1017/hyp.2020.32 <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Resick, P. A., Monson, C. M., & Chard, K. M. (2017). Cognitive processing therapy for PTSD: A comprehensive manual. Guilford Press. <o:p></o:p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Resick, P. A. & Monson, C. M. (2008). Cognitive processing therapy veteran/military version: Therapist’s manual. Department of Veterans Affairs. <a href="https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/cognitive-processing-therapist.pdf" style="color: rgb(149, 79, 114);">Cognitive processing therapy Veteran/military version: Therapist’s manual (apa.org)</a><o:p></o:p>

The slippery slope—sex and shame: A critical examination of the Billy Graham rule

Written by Josh

from MT, USA

29 March 2024

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The slippery slope—sex and shame: A critical examination of the Billy Graham rule

Written by Josh

from MT, USA

29 March 2024

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