As I write this, I’m alone tonight. The dog is at my feet. The cat furiously scratches at his scratching pad. The refrigerator hums in the background. Cars pass by a brisk, soon to be Autumn evening. My housemate is out tonight. Off having fun with family friends. It’s quiet here, peaceful. But in the back of my mind, there is a fear. A fear of not being enough. A fear of it not working out. A fear of being alone. <br /><br />I’m trying to live a Celibate life. I’m trying to believe that it’s Gods call for me. But if I’m honest, sometimes I’m afraid. Afraid of the calling. Afraid of not living up to it. Afraid that I am not living up to it. Sometimes feeling deprived or starved of physical touch, or physical affection. Craving what I don’t have, and feel I can’t obtain, I turn to porn. To masturbation. To letting my heart overflow with lust toward others. To use them up, and then discard them, instead of caring for them or loving them well. <br /><br />To further complicate things, I have a strong attraction at times to my housemate. He has an amazing smile and an amazing personality. He’s patient and funny and caring. He’s handsome. We hug every night before bed. I love that immensely. But there’s times I want more. I want to cuddle. I want to kiss. I want to hold someone or be held. I want sexual intimacy. <br /><br />I don’t know what the future holds for these things. For us, or for me and someone else. I want to make a lifetime commitment to my housemate. I want to love and care for him well. I’m hoping and praying that both of our needs for intimacy (whether we realize them or not) are met in healthy, satisfying, God glorifying ways, whether that means staying “Side B” and celibate, or moving toward “Side A” and being in a relationship or becoming partners."
💕 They love it! 💕
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