I have been asked by my friend to write something for this new blog. Now I am never really one to just whip up something out of the blue. If I am going to write something I need to think about it carefully. <br /><br />Being a Caucasian Christian Afrikaans gay (masculine) man must be one of the most difficult things to be. Within that mouthful description lies a lot of social contradictions. <br /><br />I grew up in a family where, for the early part of me growing up, did not even know there was a thing such as a homosexual person. Going to church I listened to sermons of the original sin and was convinced that I am simply doomed. At school I could never figure out why my friends where swooning over girls and making remarks about their anatomical makeup. My own extended family also had a lot to say about “moffies” (Afrikaans derogatory name for a gay man), but nothing good. <br /><br />Slowly but surely I started putting 2 and 2 together to arrive to the conclusion that I am gay. It might have been stimulated by my folks getting Internet access in the house in the early 2000s. I might have done some illicit searches our of shear curiosity. <br /><br />Around 2009 I started coming to grips with being gay. It was torturous. I started to read as much as I can online. Because at that time I did not know another soul to talk face-to-face with about the matter. <br /><br />I found an online forum called Empty Closets and there I joined in conversations about how to deal with this new acceptance and how to come out to people and the rest. <br /><br />One afternoon an interesting thing happened. A young guy moved into the garden cottage of my next-door-neighbour. We immediately became friends through the similar taste in music. <br /><br />That one afternoon he asked me to go with him to a neighboring town to visit a girl he was dating and I agreed. At the event we visited we had some liquor to drink. Driving back later that night we stared chatting and he asked the one question I always dreaded to hear. <br /><em>"So what about you and girls?"</em> <br /><br />I quickly blurted out my usual phrase in self-defense, but the guy was a bit more clever than I anticipated. He responded by assuring me that if I like guys it is okay with him (as long as I did not kiss him). <br /><br />That moment was like a landslide. For the first time in my life I could talk to someone. It was like a light was turned on. <br /><br />That little bit of interaction and gain in trust then allowed me to start coming out to close friends and later to close family. But not yet to my folks or sister. <br /><br />Not long after coming out to some friends I was introduced to a gay guy in town by a close friend. We started dating. It was my first relationship. The guy was older than me and was in a decade long relationship a while before we met. Not long into the fresh new relationship I had to come to terms with competing with another guy (the new boyfriend’s ex) and his weird friends and silly ideas. One evening I was shocked to find out he reads Tarrod cards to see what the future holds. As a Christian this was like a pole through my heart. All of this was a bit too much for me and I fled. <br /><br />Fast-forward nearly a decade and one morning I found myself in a beautiful little apartment holding my (then) boyfriend where I was crying and praying for him. <br /><br />During Covid-lockdown I started chatting to a charming and handsome man on Facebook. Not long after we could go out again we decided to meet up and see what we were about. It was a wonderful first meet up. There was an amazing spontaneous energy about it which was invigorating. But something was slightly off. A couple of times when I went out to clients I would receive messages from him where he made odd remarks about me treating him badly. I did my best te reassure him that I am devoted to him. And then later to get back home and smell alcohol in the air. The first couple of times I brushed it off as me being paranoid but one day it went too far. <br /><br />On the morning of the night of the worst fight of my life, I held my, then, boyfriend in my arms as he said he was not feeling good. I asked him to accompany me in my trip to the city. He declined. I held him tightly and I prayed for him to feel better and I told him I loved him - I loved him very much. <br /><br />The same thing happened just when I arrived at my first stop in the city. I got a text message from him where he accused me of cheating on him. I phoned and asked him why he had these silly ideas. But I could feel something really bad was going on. <br /><br />Later that everything, when I got home I found the place with every window and door open. He was passed out in the couch. I was in a state of terror. <br /><br />When he awoke an intense fight broke out. At one point he threatened to stab me with a kitchen knife. <br /><br />By some miraculous way I managed to lock him out of the apartment and then I managed to get my neighbour on the phone. They came to help me. They saved my life. <br /><br />Forward almost 3 years on I have since that terrible fight been in another relationship that lasted just more than a year. My parents liked the guy. We were welcome in each other’s homes and families. But then it dissolved like an effervescent tablet in a glass of water. <br /><br />Its been more then a year now that I have been single again. But I know my story is not finished. <br /><br />When I was tasked to write something for this blog I did not really know how to approach it but I guess my story is a start. And I want to round it off with the following: <br /><br />Even though I grew up in a conservative household and church I never abandoned the idea of God being my Creator or Jesus dying on the Cross for my sins. I have never been indoctrinated to adopt a belief system and I have always been fascinated by the Grace of God. Just recently I read a wonderful book by Dr Scott Peck, where he discusses Grace in a beautiful way. <br /><br />The day I realised that God is not going to smite me for being homosexual I started having conversations with Him. <br /><br />Many times I have prayed and asked Him to send me a companion, a soul mate. And when I found myself in a difficult or dangerous position I prayed and asked God to save me from it. I have asked God so many times to fill my life with Devine Love and with the capacity to share it with those who need it. I have also asked God many times to extinguish the urge in me of yearning for companionship. <br /><br />Who knows what the future holds? I am nearly 40 years old. I feel I have never really had the chance to love deeply. Sometimes I want to think that it is too late for me to experience a Blessed relationship with meaningful love, support and companionship. God only knows. <br /><br />And with all this written down I am still a Caucasian Christian Afrikaans gay man. There are still a lot of instances where I have to hide that I am gay. I have to put up my "straight face" to not dare to offend a certain group of people, not that I have any obvious feminine traits.
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