Gay 4 Jesus Blog

The slippery slope—sex and shame: A critical examination of the Billy Graham rule

Author: Josh

29 March 2024

<p class="p1" style="margin: 0in 0in 2.25pt; font-size: 25pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">One Thing Leads to Another: The Billy Graham Rule<p class="p1" style="margin: 0in 0in 2.25pt; font-size: 25pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Purity culture thrives on a fallacious form of reasoning known as the “slippery slope fallacy.” It’s more of a colloquialism than it is a formal logical fallacy (1); put simply, it is known as “one thing leads to another,” where ‘another’ is a substantially worse version of the ‘one thing’ in question. Most people have, at some point or another, heard the dubious logic around Gay-Marriage: when presented with ideas like equal treatment of minorities, people inevitably respond, “what’s stopping you from legalizing marriage between children or animals?” This is an example of the slippery slope fallacy. <p class="p1" style="margin: 0in 0in 2.25pt; font-size: 25pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> It is unsurprising that one can find the same form of argumentation around sex between heterosexual relationships as well. While I could spend time illustrating the point, let’s take a direct look at the corpus delicti straight from Paul Washer who aptly demonstrates the problem. This quotation should come with all kinds of trigger warnings for toxic religion and could honestly be the basis for an entire series of articles around mental health. Washer demonstrates numerous examples of cognitive distortions and shame-based reasoning. There is also a great deal of purity-specific language around masculinity, godliness, leadership, and sexuality that—beyond being toxic—may require some translation to unacquainted readers. As a final warning, as a professional psychotherapist, I can confidently claim that what Washer is describing here as “counseling” should not and does not resemble the practices of licensed mental health professionals—although he seems to be using the term colloquially. Putting all that aside for the moment, Washer says the following in the middle of a sermon: <p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Now, let me share with you, to bring to an end, some warnings against sexual immorality. The most dangerous aspect of any relationship between two people of the opposite sex is sexual immorality. That’s it.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Now, I want you to understand something… if you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong, and if you don’t agree with me, you are going to really hurt yourself. So, that’s just a… so that you know.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Here it is, it is impossible to be alone with someone of the opposite sex for any extended period of time, without falling into some form of sexual immorality.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I had a guy call me up one time, he was getting ready to go to seminary, and I knew him, he’s a godly guy. I knew his… the girl he was dating, I knew her a little bit, she’s a godly girl. And he calls me up one day and…I mean, this guy’s a man’s man, and he’s crying.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">He’s like, “I can’t take it anymore.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I said, “Man, what is wrong.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">He said, “You know, I pray, I read the Word. She prays, reads the Word. But when we get together, sometimes we make these commitments that we’re not going to touch, we’re not going to hug, we’re not going to do this. And then one thing leads to another and in the end… You know, she’s confused. She feels shameful, I feel like an idiot who can’t lead a woman. And we do this, and we’ve fallen. We haven’t gone all the way, as they say. But we’ve done things that’s just caused such confusion to the relationship.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And I said, “Well, what do your college counselors tell you to do?” Because he had a lot of guys counseling on campus.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And he said, “Well, they tell me that, you know, this is tough, I need to pray, I need to read the Word and I need to really, you know, it’s difficult.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And I said, “You use my name and you go back and tell them, they need to stop counseling people. And you tell them to come talk to me, if they want to. But I’m telling them to stop counseling people.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Look, God does not command you to pray to be strong enough to do something He told you not to do. It’s just a plain fact. If you’re with a girl long enough, that you’re attracted to, and you’re isolated enough, alone enough, you are going to fall.<o:p></o:p><p class="p4" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 27pt; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Now, that’s just all that’s going to happen. I don’t… it’s not a question of, “Are you strong enough?” The Bible answers that. No, you’re not strong enough, so don’t do it. Do not be alone in dangerous places with that girl, because you are going to fall! And when you do, she’s going to feel ashamed because she’s not acted like a godly young lady. You’re going to feel ashamed and embarrassed because you’ve led her. It’s your fault.<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Calibri Light", sans-serif; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-image: none; background-position: 0% 0%; background-size: auto; background-repeat: repeat; background-attachment: scroll; background-origin: padding-box; background-clip: border-box;"> It’s your fault. I don’t care what happens, it’s your fault. You did it. You’re the man, you’re the leader, it’s your fault. You led her in a way that hurt her. And so you’re the one that’s going to marry this girl. How are you going to lead her when you get married? You see, it is your fault young man.<o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Okay, let’s all take a deep breath and a moment to laugh about the fact that Washer previously quoted Genesis 2:18 several sections beforehand, “It was not good for man to be alone.” I guess he forgot about that biblical point when he started rambling about the relationship between men and women here. Classically, Washer has bolstered is claim of “the Bible says you shouldn’t be alone with the opposite sex” with specific verses about “fleeing” from sexual immorality as they are contrasted with other types of sin where you should “stay and fight.” For instance, one might resist the devil, but they should never go anywhere near sexual immorality because it is more powerful than Satan himself (2).  <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">What washer has discussed is known as the Billy Graham Rule (BGR): no man should be alone with a woman. The emphasis seems to be normally placed on men, as if their own sexual desires cannot be controlled without some kind of external observation. In an almost quantum form, the impact of an external observer saves men from sexual immorality. No room for exhibitionism here, as the good Christian men and women are guaranteed to be mood-killers of any and all sexual sin. As all things tend to occur on a spectrum, there are harder and softer versions of this argument circulating around the Christian populous. While isolation may not always be considered a necessary or proximate cause of sexual immorality, it is far from a protective factor—so the argument goes. Although I have never seen an example of this, one could theoretically make exceptions for career required isolation (my profession as a therapist would—of course—require this, a medical doctor would require this with patients, a crisis worker or first responder may require this, etc.); however, the rule would still be applied to couples who have made their romantic interests clear. One can see a version of this when Washer caveats some of his claims about a person of the opposite sex with “to whom you are attracted.” We will see Washer seem to contradict this caveat later. Even still, certain soft BGR advocates might be comfortable with an opposite gendered pair just so happening to find themselves alone at some point, but perhaps they should avoid actively seeking this as an end prior to marriage. After marriage, some have extended BGM-logic to argue that you should only be alone with your spouse (or even that your spouse or church can dictate with what frequency, isolation, and familiarity you are allowed to interact with the opposite sex [3]). Regardless of whether hard or soft forms of the argument are promoted, there are several implications that are clear: 1) isolation breeds sexual immorality and 2) relationships should be regimented or ordered in a particular way where certain (often most) types of (nonsexual) intimacy are deemed inappropriate outside of marriage. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Scholars have pointed out that while this rule signals the appearance of virtue, it largely exists to protect men or individuals in power. While the BGR did not originate in modern times, it was inundated with popularity after the #metoo movement and “Time’s Up” campaign, where many men refused to be alone with the opposite sex in order to avoid the possibility of an accusation of sexual harassment. This was intended to be a kind of safety net, particularly for high-status men, where an accusation of sexual harassment could be hand-waived by invoking the BGR character virtues of the man in question: “I don’t even allow myself to be alone with the opposite sex, how could I have been sexually harassing them?” It “avoid[s] any situation that would have even the appearance of compromise or suspicion to avoid tarnishing their reputation by either falling prey to sexual temptation or inviting gossip about impropriety” (Kumar & Verma, 2020, p 1). <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">A Queer Look at BGR<p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Right about now, sexual and gender minorities are probably banging their heads against the wall due to the BGR assuming a cisgender, heterosexual, and allosexual norm. If you’re homosexual, BGM doesn’t really specify whether you are supposed to stay away from the same sex or opposite sex. It also doesn’t offer a nice template to explain this problem to your heterosexual friends, who are now confused as to why you get an exception. If you are bisexual, then obviously you become justifiably condemned to a life of social isolation from both genders. As long as you adopt a monogamous relationship style, you might get away with hanging out in group settings or one on one with your gender-queer folks (but they might not be able to hang out with you). Unfortunately, pansexual orientations are just extra screwed here. I would really like to know whether being pansexual or bisexual nullifies the “observer effect” of BGR, but I don’t believe any of the proponents actually thought that far ahead. If you are gender fluid, queer, trans, intersex, or nonbinary it’s not entirely clear what constitutes “the opposite sex.” Best to stay away from everyone, just to be safe. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Beyond being somewhat facetious, there is actually an important point here: BGR compels a certain type of sexual experience as the norm when—quite bluntly—it is not the reality of most people’s experiences. This is especially true of individuals on the asexual spectrum. To aces who are sex-repulsed or sex-neutral, BGR is downright insulting. BGR quite clearly assumes that individuals will be experiencing sexual attraction when alone and ignores the reality that this is just not going to happen. “That is just a fact” as Washer says referring to sexual immorality, seems an exaggeration. Quite rarely are aces of this fashion held up as paragons of virtue. Recall that Washer’s norm was that some sins should be struggled against, yet sexual behaviors (which are also the norm) should be fled. Cognitive dissonance aside, individuals who experience sex-repulsion are often pathologized as having some flaw, denial, or dishonesty. Sexual attraction is always a present, torrential force that cannot be overcome. An alternative is not stated and the norm is assumed: proponents of BGR cannot comprehend of someone who doesn’t want to have sex. In certain cases, asexual individuals do report being bestowed a higher, even holier calling—likely consistent with some of the apostle Paul’s teaching concerning abstinence from marriage. Even in these cases, individuals report failing to obtain a standard of traditional marriage (Jones et al., 2022). It’s a strange and cruel world: either be branded sexually immoral or fail to live up to society’s matrimonial expectations. <p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">For asexuals who tend to fall further along the sex-favorable side of the spectrum (generally defined individuals who experience little or no sexual attraction but may be comfortable or are even interested in having sex for a host of other reasons) BGR is more complicated, but no less harmful. Individuals using the demisexual or aegosexual microlabels still have reasons to voice offense at having their fundamental experience denied. In the case of the demisexual identity, rest assured it would take a long time alone with a person before they became comfortable with any sexual immorality occurring. BGR sets up the expectation that sex is supposed to happen whenever two individuals are alone—an idea which is not only wrong but also dangerous. This becomes even clearer with the aegosexual microlabel, where an individual can almost exclusively apprehend sexual material in their minds, but may even experience significant discomfort actually playing these ideas out in real life. It is a common asexual sentiment where one’s mind being the place sex is most prolific, with many being surprised to learn that the kink community and asexual community tend to overlap substantially. When the imagination becomes the bedroom—so to speak—the possibilities are not limited by the confines of reality. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">BGR explicitly denies this kind of categorization: if you are alone, you will be compelled to have sex with another person in real life. Your mind will take control over the situation and you will end up with “some form of sexual immorality.” The rule is not a demand to acquire positive forms of consent with your sexual partner; furthermore, it assumes that such concerns are either trivial or not necessary, since both parties are unstoppable forces of sexual energy when left unattended. In my personal experience, BGR prolifically contributed and normalized many coercive sex acts throughout my life, several of which I have written about in previous blogposts. What is interesting is the multiplicity of ways BGR has been disempowering. <p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> <p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">First, any person or community subscribing to a form of BGR (both hard and soft versions), when subjected to a negative sexual experience, is not going to be forthcoming about said experience. In many cases, it may even deprive survivors of extremely healthy, “opposite-sex” relationships that promote their wellbeing. This deprives survivors (myself included) of social support. This might be self-explanatory, but the availability of a supportive and empathetic individual is often the difference between resilience and trauma—for a host of reasons, too many for this discussion. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Second, it creates a seemingly problematic discrepancy between sexual fantasy and reality. One of the ways sexual coercion occurs is when a victim is held to a socially understood sexual norm or previously admitted fantasy that they are hesitant to engage in reality. If the expectation is that sex will happen, especially sex in a certain way, individuals will not be able to consent in good faith. Moreover, they will not be able to accurately describe the negative consequences of this interaction. This hermeneutical injustice occurs when groups fail to develop normally accepted categories such as “sexual harassment” which have historically empowered victimized groups through language and education (Panchuck, 2020).  While this is damaging to all of society, BGM’s assumption that sex should be heteronormative is especially damaging to queer individuals. Many individuals, especially asexuals, tend to have fantasies that are either impossible, embarrassing in reality, or that they are simply not interested in actually pursuing. Much of my own sexual trauma involves being shamed into such practices through coercion. BGR also promotes the idea that such impulses should be normalized and fulfilled in marriage; however, this is not always ideal for all parties involved. I have, almost maliciously, been held to standards of sexual behavior that I had no intent of ever engaging. BGR normalized traumatic sex by setting up the expectation that the normal state of mankind was one without impulse control. <p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Third, BGR normalizes questioning your own sexual impulses, removing yourself from the present, and being hypervigilant toward immorality. If you are constantly worried about  whether what you are about to do that is sinful, it is impossible to enjoy the good parts of your own body. What fascinates me about the BGR is how it explicitly promotes this hypervigilance while also expecting it to disappear after someone enters into a marital relationship. In my own case, I traded one scrupulous tendency about my moral standing for an obsessive compulsive standing about whether the others’ sexual needs were met—usually at my own expense. At no point does BGR or purity culture actually preach that sex should be pleasurable. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Fourth, it normalizes an unhealthy amount of control over another person’s autonomy. I was recently reflecting on the parts of my childhood that involved close proximity to an extremely controlling Christian cult. At extreme points, I recall friends having to flee cities to avoid confrontation, violent abuse and torture for sexual immorality, and regular emotional abuse of congregants. More routine, however, was their ability to control exactly who an individual socialized with, at whatever frequency and familiarity they deemed appropriate. My closest friends were often socially unavailable for weeks or months because they had the air of a rebellious posture about them toward the elders. Being a pastor’s kid, I was on a short, unwritten list of individuals that parents wanted their children to socialize—so my friend group could have been even more limited. Interestingly, their goals are not dissimilar to BGR. By controlling how people socialize and with whom, information, behavior, and detractors are kept disempowered. This is more than just BGR’s ability to keep someone from speaking about a particular sexual experience, this is about gatekeeping real (especially nonsexual) intimacy between individuals. People are denied access to real, quality relationships under BGR.<p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p>Washer and BGR Doom us to Sexually Fail</o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">What happens when people have terrible sexual experiences (which were set up to be seen as routine by purity culture and BGR), that they were told were evil and immoral? Ironically, they tend to develop feelings of intense guilt and thoughts where they blame themselves (a few symptoms of PTSD), especially if they were told that they were guilty or blameworthy before (Resick et al., 2017). Quoth the Washer, “You’re going to feel ashamed… it’s your fault.” This point bears repeating, as a lot of us were raised to religiously take on unnecessary blame for sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Resick et al. (2017) goes so far as to make the dramatic claim that such individuals primed toward these cognitions “already had PTSD” (p8), before experiencing any kind of traumatic sexual experience (4).<o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">To drive this final point home, let’s look at another Washer quote. This occurs immediately after the previous quote, saying, <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Well, let’s say that you’re on staff at the church and you and the pastors, the staff and the pastors, go pick him up one day at twelve o’clock to eat lunch. And you knock on the door of the hotel room, and one of the single mom’s, very attractive single mom in your church, opens the door. And you’re like…<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And then all of the sudden the preacher comes to the door and goes, “Hey, how’s it going?”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">You’re going…”What… what on earth is going on here?”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">He says, “Well, come on in. We’re making cookies. We just finished a batch of cookies.”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“You’re doing what?”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“We’re making cookies.”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And you see the cookies on the tray, you see them on the table. You know, they both have got aprons on.<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Do you realize, the meetings are over? You’re going to cancel the meetings. Why? You’re going to look at that preacher and say, “What on earth are you doing? You’re alone in your hotel room with a lady from our church, whose a single mom. The meetings are over. Furthermore, we’re going to have to go call up your board and we’re going to have to talk to your church. This is a scandal!”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">But he says, “But, all I’m doing is being alone with her.”<o:p></o:p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 15pt 0.5in; font-size: medium; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“Can’t you see how dangerous that is! You have a wife, you have children. She has a testimony.”<o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">In cognitive processing therapy, there is a reason that guilt and shame are called “manufactured emotions” (Resick et al., 2017; Resick & Monson, 2008). This simply means that these emotions are more complicated, requiring both a feeling (grief, shame, or guilt) and a cognition (I am guilty for X). In the scientific literature this “manufactured” label is fairly neutral, as a murderer might feel guilty in many correct ways which do not negate the fact that he had to correctly attribute the blame to himself. In this example, guilt is manufactured but it is also correctly attributed. However, in Washer’s quote, we see how the nature of the word “manufactured” can also mean fake or artificial. Unless I have egregiously misunderstood what Washer is saying here (5), his example utilizes the pretense: nothing wrong—especially of a sexual nature has occurred. He then concludes that the events are still scandalous. He creates guilt and shame from thin air, teaching others to do the same. <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> What Influences our Idea of sex?<p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">There are a lot of things that might contribute to a healthy sexual ethic; however, coming out of purity culture it is abundantly clear that we should be fostering ideas about sex that are free of any unnecessary guilt or shame. Have our ideas about sex been informed by a fault-based mentality? When individuals use BGR to form “guilt by association with isolation” our ideas about sex become inherently associated with guilt. <p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> Footnotes<p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(1) That being said, one could formalize the fallacy as A—>B, B—>C, C—>D; however, this is hardly entertaining. <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(2) This is not an exaggeration or a straw-man, Washer actually makes this argument. Both the argument and the quote have been pulled from this transcription <a href="https://illbehonest.com/a-young-mans-attitude-towards-women-paul-washer" style="color: rgb(149, 79, 114);">https://illbehonest.com/a-young-mans-attitude-towards-women-paul-washer</a> <o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">[3] Some readers might recognize that this language parallels a recent near-scandal involving Matt Chandler, who had a 100% non-affair with an opposite sex friend. He was sort of disciplined for the way they were interacting, “while the messages were not romantic or sexual in nature, the frequency and familiarity of the messages crossed a line.” <a href="https://people.com/human-interest/what-married-pastor-matt-chandler-did-time-off-messaging-another-woman-reinstatement-process/#:~:text=In%20August%2C%20church%20elders%20said,frequency%20and%20familiarity%20of%20the" style="color: rgb(149, 79, 114);">https://people.com/human-interest/what-married-pastor-matt-chandler-did-time-off-messaging-another-woman-reinstatement-process/#:~:text=In%20August%2C%20church%20elders%20said,frequency%20and%20familiarity%20of%20the</a><o:p></o:p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(4) To be fair to Resick et al. (2017), the point here is highly contextual where individuals who “already had PTSD” had also experienced some form of abuse in childhood; however, the claim that predisposing factors impact negative cognitions is generalizable to the statements described above. <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(5) At this point, I’m extremely open to this possibility, because Washer’s point doesn’t make sense. <o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">References<o:p></o:p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0in; font-size: 15.5pt; font-family: ".AppleSystemUIFont", serif; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><o:p> </o:p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Jones, T. W., Power, J., & Jones, T. M. (2022). Religious trauma and moral injury from LGBTQA+ conversion practices. Social Sciences & Medicine (1982), 305, 115040. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2022.115040" style="color: rgb(149, 79, 114);">https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2022.115040</a><o:p></o:p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Kumar, A., & Verma, R. S. (2020). Sexual harassment in academic institutions and demand to regulate male sexuality. Sexuality & Culture, 24(5), 1683-1686. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-020-09715-7" target="_blank">https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-020-09715-7</a><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Panchuck, M. (2020). Distorting concept, obscured experiences, hermeneutical injustice in religious trauma and spiritual violence. Hypatia, 35(4), 607-625. Https://doi.org/10.1017/hyp.2020.32 <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Resick, P. A., Monson, C. M., & Chard, K. M. (2017). Cognitive processing therapy for PTSD: A comprehensive manual. Guilford Press. <o:p></o:p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in; font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 29.333336px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.3); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: -0.5in;">Resick, P. A. & Monson, C. M. (2008). Cognitive processing therapy veteran/military version: Therapist’s manual. Department of Veterans Affairs. <a href="https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/cognitive-processing-therapist.pdf" style="color: rgb(149, 79, 114);">Cognitive processing therapy Veteran/military version: Therapist’s manual (apa.org)</a><o:p></o:p>

One Year Later

Author: Bri

23 February 2024

<span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">It’s been just over a year now: a year since I “came out to myself.” But not in the way some people assume when I say that. I already knew I was gay. For a long time. Since college, 15yrs ago, when I felt sweaty, tingly, and warm around a person of my same sex and knew it was “sexual attraction” even without thinking those words, I have known. It wasn’t new information I stumbled upon last year, it was allowing that part of me to be fully integrated into my whole self, and not put away in a corner safely behind a brick wall I had constructed. It was 15 years in the making, that brick wall, after fear and shame pulled out the mortar and trowel and put me to work building it. I knew it was there behind the wall that whole time, and occasionally I would even talk about it to close friends, trusted mentors, or even my first three therapists. They all took the information in stride but either agreed with or respected my belief that I was not going to be “acting on” that attraction: pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman. It just stayed that “thing” behind the wall. A part of me that I just kept hidden from myself and the world during most of my conscious living.  <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">But that wall needed constant maintenance. I needed to patch the cracks that appeared in the wall when I found myself looking too long at a woman in the coffee line. I had to pull out the trowel and mortar of fear and shame when I realized I was trying too hard to be liked by a new female friend. I had to put a few bricks over the gaping hole that would rupture open whenever I would feel very keenly the touch of an attractive woman, the impression still there long after her hand left my shoulder or arm. I was spending so much energy just keeping the wall maintained. The wall had to stay strong to keep my secret hidden, to spare my friends hurt, and most importantly, to save myself more pain and embarrassment if I “messed up” again by liking the wrong person the wrong way. I couldn’t let “that part” of myself infect the rest of me or become uncontrolled somehow. It was just too dangerous. <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">By late 2022, the wall kept on getting chipped at in my new job as a therapist. I felt exposed and uncomfortable in a room of queer people, hoping they wouldn’t know, wouldn’t see the thing behind the wall. It began to flake and crumble too quickly for me to keep up the maintenance, especially <span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Roboto,sans-serif;color:#444746;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">when my therapeutic work and study had already helped me feel and learn from uncomfortable feelings rather than keep locking them away.<span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;"> I soon realized if I was going to be any good at this work, I had to take a good look at what was behind the wall and at least acknowledge its presence in the room, even if I didn’t like it or change anything about my life as a result.  <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">But what was “it” really? Just that I “struggled with same-sex attraction” but I could still eventually find a man I was attracted to enough to marry? Was it that I was full-blown gay and would maybe never get married? At this point, my sexual ethics still basically aligned with the traditional evangelical view that sex is only ok between one man and one woman in the context of marriage. I had already come such a long way in my faith journey, already found some peace with the unknowns, the tensions, the unanswerable questions that remained. But this thing behind the wall was still scary to me. What would change if I tore the wall down? During my entire deconstruction process, it was the dreaded “slippery slope” I feared most, which kept me from investigating this wall too closely. But now I knew I had to figure out what was behind it so I could better serve my clients at my job. What if I ended up gay after all of this? Would it just be proving to my family and people from my former fundy life that this whole thing of questioning your faith just leads you to eventually becoming one of those morally depraved (insert your church-approved slur of choice for queer people here)?  <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Despite the risk, I knew I couldn’t keep living with all this discomfort and distraction in the middle of sessions that were supposed to be about and for my clients. I started seeing a new therapist and clearly communicated my intentions to figure out what was behind that wall. I have written previously about that experience where I named the feelings I had in college out loud and the radical shift that took place inside me (see <a href="https://admitted-battle-columnist.glitch.me/post/659225e4377b94c0c869e7a2" target="_blank">New Year’s Eve Reflection</a>). The wall was completely obliterated. In just a short time, the thing behind the wall—my sexuality—infused every part of me, allowing me to inhabit my body safely in a way I had never experienced before.  <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Some critics of affirming gay Christians will argue that our identity should only be found in Christ or that it gives people the wrong impression about what we are doing with our genitals if we use a certain label to describe ourselves. Is it true that sexuality is a central or foundational element of our personhood? Is this “identity” just about sex? I would say, yes and no. I would have definitely said “no” to both questions before that wall finally fell, but then after it crumbled at my feet after years of tedious maintenance, the difference I felt within myself was too stark to ignore. Before, I lived fractured from myself and hypervigilant in all my relationships, now I am integrated, at peace, energized and relaxed in my body. I am able to show up in all of my interpersonal interactions with more assurance of who I am as just me, and who I am in relation to them without the fear or anxiety I used to unconsciously carry. My fear that they would see the “real me” or I would be “discovered” one day in yet another embarrassing and shame-provoking debacle, is gone. Now, the fact that I feel much more at ease discussing sexual issues with clients (my original goal), just feels like a lovely bonus compared to the benefits to my personal life. <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">A year later, I have no regrets. While I feel sad that some of my relationships have changed because of differing convictions and disagreement about how to maintain mutual respect for one another, I wouldn’t go back. I don’t regret all that I have learned about myself and how I can trust my instincts and the wisdom of my body. I don’t regret the caring, respectful interactions I’ve had with others in a context I had never thought possible for me before. I have learned to believe in the care and compassion of others and allow other people to own responsibility for their decisions as I own responsibility for mine. There have been risks taken and sometimes those risks led to pain or grief, but there has been so much joy, freedom, and love experienced because I took new risks. I realized how much life I missed out on all these years, hiding from myself and others behind my brick wall. When the wall was no longer able to hold me in anymore, I knew I wanted to <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">live, <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">and live a life not dictated by fear. My first year of <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">living<span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial,sans-serif;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;"> has been amazing, and while I know the high of all the sudden change will eventually die down, I am sure going to enjoy the whole ride from here on: the hard, the beautiful, the angsty, the euphoric, and everything in between.

Clobber Passages - Romans 1

Author: ettie.v

1 January 2024

Romans 1 is probably the biblical passage that poses the most difficulty for gay Christians when it comes to same-sex relationships. The Church has used this passage to judge and guilt many gay Christians into lives of mandatory celibacy and even caused many to abandon Christianity completely.<o:p></o:p>Romans 1:26-27 says: “For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.” (NKJV)<o:p></o:p>As we think through the context, interpretation, and application of Romans 1:26-27, I will draw a lot of quotes from 2 books, namely “Changing our Mind”, by David P. Gushee and “God and the gay Christian” by Matthew Vines.<o:p></o:p>Although this above passage seems to speak against same-sex intercourse, looking at the context is very important to understand what this passage communicates. From the start, as we talk about context, it is important to note that this passage is not an exposition of what sexual sin or immorality is, but rather Paul is addressing the tragedy of idolatry and the nations of the world’s inability to recognize God and Paul references the consequences of idolatry.<o:p></o:p><span style="background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial;">In his book, “Changing our Mind”, David Gushee confirms that as he writes: “Scholars historically have agreed that Paul’s purpose in Romans 1-3 is to paint a theological picture of the world, leading to the conclusion that every human being desperately needs the salvation offered by God through Jesus Christ.<span style="background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial;">”<o:p></o:p>Sexual orientation is not a choice that a person makes. I never chose to be gay – rather I tried my very best to not be gay, to date girls and be as straight as possible. If I could choose, I most certainly would not choose to be gay. Again, this seems to be very different from the context that Paul is writing about. In the words of Matthew Vines:<o:p></o:p>“Paul’s words indicate not only that the people he described exchanged opposite-sex for same-sex relations, but also that they were capable of heterosexual attraction. This understanding would match the expectations of ancient societies, and it would also fit with the rest of the Romans passage.” (God and the gay Christian, pp. 102-103) “Remember, the most common forms of same-sex behavior in the Greco-Roman world were pederasty, prostitution, and sex between masters and their slaves. The majority of men who indulged in those practices also engaged in heterosexual behavior, often during the same times in their lives.” (God and the gay Christian, p. 104) “The context in which Paul discussed same-sex relations differs so much from our own that it can’t reasonably be called the same issue.” (God and the gay Christian, p. 106)<o:p></o:p>Gushee agrees by writing:<o:p></o:p>“By using the language of “exchanging” or giving up “natural” for “unnatural” intercourse, Paul may be saying that he thinks those engaging in same-sex intercourse were capable of “normal,” natural heterosexual relations but perversely chose same-sex. But, at the hermeneutical level, we now know that a small sexual minority is not at all capable of heterosexual attraction or relations. It does not seem that they can be fairly described as exchanging or giving up natural for unnatural sex. This raises reasonable questions about the fairness of applying this description to that part of the human community today.”<o:p></o:p><o:p> </o:p>Gushee also adds:<o:p></o:p>“Harvard classics scholar Sarah Ruden, in her bracing book Paul Among the People, sharpens the cultural issue considerably. She describes widespread and quite vile Greco-Roman cultural practices authorizing often violent anal rape of powerless young men, especially slaves, but really anybody of lower social status. This practice was cruelly accompanied by moral condemnation of the victims rather than the victimizers, the latter of which were often celebrated for their virility. Ruden is convinced that this is what Paul had in mind when he thought about same-sex interest and activity, and this is why he links it to other vices of excess and debauchery in Romans 1.”<o:p></o:p>Matthew Vines continues:<o:p></o:p>“From the church’s early centuries through the nineteenth century, commentators consistently identified the moral problem in Romans 1:26–27 as “unbridled passions,” not the expression of a same-sex orientation. Furthermore, no biblical interpreter prior to the twentieth century even hinted that Paul’s statements were intended to consign a whole group of people to lifelong celibacy.” (God and the gay Christian, p. 116)<o:p></o:p>The common understanding of same-sex relationships and same-sex intercourse in the time that Paul wrote these passages were much different than today. In Rom 1:26-27, Paul describes a sexual situation that is purely lustful, and not loving, monogamous or committed, which we find in many same-sex relationships and marriages today. W. Loader in his argument, in the book “Two Views on Homosexuality, the Bible, and the Church”, for adopting an affirming view on same-sex relationships writes:<o:p></o:p>“…we need to acknowledge that Paul’s understanding about the nature of human sexuality was limited, we cannot simply apply his judgments to the situations where people are genuinely gay.” (p.45) “It is not disrespectful of writers of Scripture and, in particular, of Paul, to suggest that their understanding of human reality needs to be supplemented.” (p. 47) “If we accept the need for a revised understanding of human sexuality, then it is hard to justify imposing laws which were grounded on the understanding of human sexuality which we acknowledge needed supplementing.” (p. 48)<o:p></o:p>David Gushee adds: <o:p></o:p>“This would not be the only subject on which the contemporary application of Paul’s statements has been reevaluated in this way, leading to the setting aside of his implied or explicit directives (head-coverings, hair length, women keeping silent in church, instructions to slaves to obey their masters).<span style="background-image: initial; background-position: initial; background-size: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial;">”<o:p></o:p>It is very ironic that the Church has often used this passage (Rom. 1:26-27) to attack and condemn gay Christians (and often asked them to leave or even hatefully chased them away) and they fail to read just a few verses further:<o:p></o:p> “You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things.” (Rom. 2:1, NLT)<o:p></o:p>

Clobber Passages - Sodom and Gomorrah

Author: ettie.v

1 January 2024

A passage that is often used to attack gay Christians regarding same-sex relationships is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. When we take various other scripture passages that speak about Sodom and Gomorrah and the parallel story in Judges 20 into account, then it quickly becomes clear that this passage has nothing to do with condemning loving same-sex relationships.<o:p></o:p>I will again refer to others’ writings who have studied this topic much further and deeper that I have.<o:p></o:p>David P. Gushee writes in his book, “Changing our minds”:<o:p></o:p>“…few serious biblical interpreters think this story is about “homosexuality.” It has certainly receded in the traditionalist argument. The parallel story in Judges 20:5 makes absolutely clear that it was violence the men wanted, including sexual violence, and violence they inflicted.”<o:p></o:p>“When cited within the rest of Scripture, even the names of these towns became a byword for total human evil and devastating divine judgment. But never once in these intra-biblical references to Sodom is their evil described as same-sex interest or behavior.”<o:p></o:p>“Genesis 19 and Judges 19 are narratives with huge implications for the ethics of war, prison, gender, violence and rape. But they have nothing to do with the morality of loving, covenantal, same-sex relationships, just as they have nothing to do with the morality of loving, covenantal, opposite-sex relationships.”<o:p></o:p>Matthew Vines echoes this same idea in his book, “God and the gay Christian”:<o:p></o:p>“Sexuality goes unmentioned, both in the Ezekiel passage and in every other Old Testament reference to Sodom following Genesis 19. If Sodom’s sin had indeed been same-sex behavior, it’s highly unlikely that every written discussion of the city for centuries following its destruction would fail to mention that.”<o:p></o:p> The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is clearly not usable in building a case against loving same-sex relationships. I wholeheartedly believe that homosexuality is not what the passage addresses and attacking gay Christians with this passage is misusing scripture.

Meaningful Song: Come out of hiding

Author: ettie.v

1 January 2024

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFkDqQtfs0w" target="_blank">Come out of Hiding</a>[Verse 1] Come out of hiding, You’re safe here with Me There’s no need to cover what I already see You’ve got your reasons, but I hold your peace You’ve been on lockdown, and I hold the key<o:p></o:p>[Chorus] ‘Cause I loved you before you knew what was love I saw it all, still I chose the cross You were the one that I was thinking of When I rose from the grave Now rid of the shackles, My victory is yours I tore the veil for you to come close There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore You’re not far from home<o:p></o:p>[Verse 2] And I’ll be your lighthouse when you’re lost at sea I will illuminate everything No need to be frightened by intimacy No, just throw off your fear and come running to Me<o:p></o:p>[Bridge] And oh as you run, what hindered love Will only become part of the story? (x4)<o:p></o:p>[Outro] Baby, you’re almost home now Please don’t quit now You’re almost home to Me (x3)<o:p></o:p>Personal insight: <o:p></o:p>For years I felt like I needed to hide. It simply didn’t feel safe to let the world see who I really am, but there is safety with the Father – safety to come to Him as I am. He sees me as I am, and I do not need to hide from Him. He sees my mistakes and failures – He sees that I am gay – and still He is there for me, loving me, taking care of me, and desiring me. I have been hiding for many years – 33 years. In Him I can come out of hiding. He holds the key to my freedom!  With Him there is true freedom!<o:p></o:p>He has loved me from the beginning. Before I understood anything about love, He loved me. His love for me is not based on my behavior or actions. His love for me is not conditional. He died for me – despite my failures, sin, brokenness, and lack of obedience. He did it for me! I can live in His victory over sin, death and satan! I can live in a close relationship with Him! He is my home! I can be at home with Him as I find a place of belonging with Him, something that many in this world will not offer me.<o:p></o:p>God is the One leading me through the storms and through the uncertainty. He gives direction, guidance, understanding and revelation and therefore I can run to Him and trust Him! And be in intimate relationship with Him!<o:p></o:p>What seemed to be the hinderance to entering into God’s presence, and felt like a hinderance to me from serving Him and what hindered me from experiencing His love to the full, is not be the theme of my story, but just part of the story that has brought me to a place of truly meeting Him and experiencing His full love, grace and compassion and it has helped me discover deeper purpose in live - love.<o:p></o:p> Instead of hiding, it is time to be strong and courageous! It is not a time to give up! It is a time to keep on seeking Him and searching after Him! He is home! I need Him more than anything else. He is the goal and purpose! He is my place for belonging! When no one else will understand or accept – He will! He is the place where I can take off my mask and just be myself!

New Year's Eve Reflection

Author: Bri

1 January 2024

For many years now, I have had a similar rhythm to my end-of-year processing and evaluating and it’s gone something like this: “This year has been about the same as the one before and nothing really changed for me as usual. I didn’t meet anyone special. Nobody really knows me on an intimate level. I’ve still never been kissed. I wonder if maybe this next year…” with an ever-increasing pang of sadness to that last thought every year. Sadness that kept on getting deeper and more grief laden. Because it never happened. Every year, nothing changed. Nobody appeared in my life to sweep me off my feet. I was still alone. Every. Single. Year. I started to hate New Year’s Eve. For several years in a row, I was at my parent’s house. The rest of the family who had been in for Christmas had already dispersed so it was often just the three of us. We would play scrabble and watch episodes of “Live with Kelly and *insert whichever male co-host of that year*” that my mom had dvr’d in the past week and talk about stuff. Discussion would usually land on my life trajectory and by proxy, the state of my mental health, which for many years I didn’t adequately address or name. I would express grief and loss for yet another year feeling so empty and pointless and generally feeling left behind in life because I wasn’t already married and have kids like other people in their early to mid-thirties. As every year passed, I started to avoid thinking that way at all and didn’t do much reflection on my year or having any introspective time. I think last year I watched a Jim Gaffigan standup special with my cats to avoid thinking about anything serious. Especially to avoid that thought, “Maybe this year will be the year…” It just became too painful to think it over and over every year. <o:p></o:p>Then, this year happened: 2023. Things finally changed. In late January I finally admitted some hard truths to myself about an experience I had in college that cracked the door to full acceptance of my sexuality. I was gay. I am very gay. I started to feel lighter, more energetic, freer to relax and be totally myself. The difference was huge. Between how I had felt for almost 10yrs (and partly even way before that) to the way I suddenly felt in a matter of months, the change was visible and dynamic. I couldn’t believe how much I was being dragged down in so many ways by this secret I was keeping from myself and trying to keep from everyone around me. I started “coming out” to people who I had even told previously that I “struggled with same-sex attraction” and they were probably confused about what was happening since they kind of already knew I was gay. But this time I was telling them I owned it. I was ok with it. I’m not going to keep “struggling” with it, but just accept it as a part of myself. I knew almost instantly I would be landing in an “affirming” position (as they describe it in Christian circles when you decide to “act” on your attractions). It took a hot minute to rule out the possibility I was bisexual, but then I was exclusively seeking out dates with women. It was wild, wonderful, and weird, yet at the same time felt completely normal and natural. I still can’t believe how things happened so fast. I kissed a girl for the first time (first time kissing anyone, actually) in May, and by August I was having an amazing weekend with a woman I had met and gotten to know long-distance. I was meeting new people and having fun, respectful interactions with people and enjoying flirting openly for the first time ever. I was actually pretty good at this flirting thing…I was just always trying to force it with men before and it never worked out so well. But when I actually let myself like a girl? It was kind of easy, really. Everything felt different. Some things were stereotypically like what I was told these “warm fuzzies” were supposed to feel like, other parts of it didn’t quite match up to what I was told it would be like. I am still figuring some of that out, like what I want from a relationship, what my capacity for love is and what I want my future with someone to look like. <o:p></o:p>This year, I found myself. I found peace in the most real way I’ve felt in years. I found amazing, caring new queer friends who could relate to my struggles and experiences. I found a beautiful, intelligent, loving girlfriend who has been teaching me that maybe I am worthy of someone’s love and that it’s possible I’m not broken after all. I found courage to take chances and live my life to the fullest for the first time ever, accepting all emotions and experiences as valuable and desirable, even the painful or scary ones. I found my heart opening, softening to God’s love again, little by little, pulling away layers of hurt and distrust that had been crusting over for years. I found myself relaxed and genuinely enjoying myself in an affirming church service. I found hope, love, grace, and peace to all be tangible constructs again and not just nebulous impossibilities. This was the best year of my life. <o:p></o:p> If you’re reading this and you’ve had a crappy year or maybe like me, you’ve felt stuck for many years, I want to encourage you to keep a tiny fragment of hope somewhere inside you. I want to remind you that even if you’re afraid to hope for it, this could be “your year.” If it’s not, though, keep holding on and keep being kind to yourself throughout your struggles. I believe God will not leave you totally abandoned but I totally see you if it feels like he has. That feeling is legit and I still struggle with bouts of anger towards him for that long stretch of feeling that way. But I don’t believe he is done with your story because he wasn’t done with mine. I hope for hope for you and that one day you will also have your “best year ever.”<o:p></o:p>

Clobber Passages – Leviticus - The Law

Author: ettie.v

17 November 2023

We as people often strive to find rules and regulations to live by. We know when we break the rules. We know that breaking the rules is wrong. Rules and laws help us know and decide what is right or wrong. The Pentateuch, which are the first five books in the Old Testament, gives a lot of laws and rules for the Israelites to live by, and in a large way, many of these laws have contributed to establishing laws for governing modern society.<o:p></o:p> In the book of Leviticus, part of the Pentateuch, there are two passages that speak against men sleeping together as a man would sleep with a woman. And it is true that we do not find any positive references to same sex-relations anywhere in the Bible. <o:p></o:p> Very often it is these two scriptures that are quoted in the debate against same-sex relationships or same-sex marriage, but as is the case with interpretering any portion of scripture, we do need to look closer at what the context of these scriptures are and what was the intent of these laws.<o:p></o:p> Lev.18:22 - You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination. (NKJV)<o:p></o:p> Lev. 20:13 - If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them. (NKJV)<o:p></o:p> There are many writers and scholars who have done extensive research on these verses – far more than I could do and therefore I will draw a lot from what I have learnt from them – and what they in turn have learnt from others.<o:p></o:p> Matthew Vines writes the following in his book, “God and the Gay Christian”:<o:p></o:p> Old Testament laws related to sex don’t always align with Christian views on sexual ethics. Our freedom from the law, I should be clear, is about much more than one decision made by one church council nearly two thousand years ago. It is rooted in the saving, reconciling work of Jesus Christ. The New Testament teaches that Christ fulfilled the law. (p.79) (See Col. 2:13-14, Heb.8:6-7, 8:13, Rom 10:2, 10:4, Gal. 3:13, 5:1, 5:6, Rom. 7) <o:p></o:p> Christ’s death on the cross liberated Christians from all that—what Paul called “the yoke of slavery.” Which leads to the obvious question: Are Christians also released from the prohibitions of male same-sex intercourse? In one sense, the answer is an uncontroversial yes. Our standing before God doesn’t depend on whether we’ve followed any laws. (p.81)<o:p></o:p> Christians also accept many Old Testament “abominations” without controversy. (p.85)<o:p></o:p> In the church today there is a great distinction between “moral law” and “ritual law”. It is often argued that Christians today have no obligation to keep the “ritual laws” since these have all been fulfilled by Christ, but it is argued that as Christians we still have a duty to keep the “moral law”. This has given theologians the liberty to pick and choose which laws they find fitting to burden the Church with and which laws they can simply discard. It is interesting is that there is no scriptural differentiation between what constitutes a “moral” and “ritual” law – scripturally, the law is the law.<o:p></o:p> David P. Gushee writes in his book “Changing our Mind”:<o:p></o:p> I review these Old Testament legal materials in order to ask Christians who quote selectively from such materials to describe and defend their principle of selection, interpretation, and application. In other words, unless one accepts every Old Testament legal text as authoritative for Christians today in the exact manner in which it is written, what alternative hermeneutical (method of interpreting the Bible) principle is to be employed? It is not as simple as saying that Christians accept all the laws offered in the Old Testament, just not the death penalty statutes that go with them—because very, very few if any Christians accept all the laws themselves, such as those requiring genocidal violence against idolatrous towns or the adherence to kosher food regulations or the priestly sacrifice rules.<o:p></o:p> It is also not as simple as saying that Christians accept the moral laws offered in the Old Testament, just not the ceremonial, cultic, dietary, or civil laws—because, as Old Testament scholar Martin Noth wrote, “Here in the Old Testament … there is no question of different categories of commandment, but only of the Will of God binding on Israel, revealed in a great variety of concrete requirements.” Any differentiation of authority in terms of categories of Old Testament legal materials is foreign to the materials themselves. And no clear delineation along these lines is offered in the New Testament.<o:p></o:p> It is relevant to note that never again outside of Leviticus are same-sex acts mentioned in Old Testament law, leaving at least 111 of the 117 uses of the term “abomination” to describe other issues. It is interesting how few of those other acts or character qualities are ever described as abominations by Christians today.<o:p></o:p> Gushee also states that:<o:p></o:p> John Piper has written of Mark 10:5, the equivalent of Matthew 19:8, this passage indicates “that there are laws in the Old Testament that are not expressions of God’s will for all time, but expressions of how best to manage sin in a particular people at a particular time.”<o:p></o:p> Karen Keen writes in her book, “Scripture, Ethics, and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships”:<o:p></o:p> One common cause of misinterpretation of Old Testament laws is that we focus more on what the laws are than on why they are included in Scripture. Inspiration resides not necessarily in the particularities but in the overarching reason for the laws—namely, a good and just society. Sin is generally defined by what harms others. (pp.62-63)<o:p></o:p> What is inspired is not the genre or particular ancient Near Eastern legal concerns but rather what the laws signify: a good and just world. Quoting the Old Testament, Jesus made the same point: all the law can be summed up in love of God and love of neighbor. Jesus didn’t dismiss the Old Testament statutes as irrelevant. Rather, he saw past the cultural trappings to affirm the overarching intent and purpose of the laws. Discernment is required to determine whether and how a biblical directive contributes to the creation of a good and just world. They teach us how to appropriate ethics from Scripture. (p.65)<o:p></o:p> Gushee also makes the following statements:<o:p></o:p> Scholars generally agree that uneasiness about non-procreative sexuality was a factor in Old Testament and perhaps also New Testament treatments of same-sex issues.<o:p></o:p> But, it is worth noting that the world population was most likely significantly less than today. Israel’s men were often called out to war, and many died in fierce battles. Life expectancy was also probably not as long as today, due to lack of medical advancement at that time. Procreative sex was probably important to keep the nation of Israel growing. Procreative sex would be beneficial to the nation. In the world we live in today, where the world population is growing very quickly, procreation is not as important for the survival of humanity.<o:p></o:p> The word “abomination” is scripturally often connected with idolatry. Male prostitutes were often found in temples where people went for idol worship, which could also add clearer context and help to accurately interpret Romans 1. If the context of having same-sex relations was going to an idolatrous temple to have sex with a male prostitute, it is understandable that the law would forbid it. Other common occurrences of same-sex relations included men raping young boys and conquered enemies to display his dominance over them, which is again very different from the loving same-sex relationships we are speaking of today.<o:p></o:p> It is safe to say that when we look at the full context in which these scriptures were written in, using these two scriptures to judge and condemn gay Christians in same-sex relationships is not a proper way of using scripture.<o:p></o:p>

Celibacy

Author: ettie.v

2 November 2023

I find the idea of celibacy very honorable – people who have the call to remain celibate to be able to use more of their available time and energy to serve the Lord. I also believe that celibacy is a call – and I don’t think that it is something you can just walk in, if you are not really called to walk in it.During my Bible college years I was wondering if God wanted me to remain celibate. I was praying a lot and asking Him to speak to me concerning this – not because I was gay (because I was still very ignorant and in serious denial about being gay) – but because I wanted to dedicate my life to serving the Lord. At that time, I honestly felt like the Lord did not want me to make a lifetime commitment to celibacy. I decided to commit to not pursuing a relationship for the first five years of being in ministry and focused only on serving the Lord and it gave me an extreme level of flexibility… I could change travel plans immediately and didn’t have to worry about how it might affect or complicate things for a partner or my family – and during my years in ministry I had amazing adventures that were possible because I was living a celibate lifestyle.I was doing my best to live celibate, but I don’t think I was very good at it and I always knew something was missing. I felt extremely lonely, but I tried my best to smother and suppress these feelings in my heart, and to a certain degree I succeeded.I tried dating some girls too which ended in disaster every time, since they got emotionally involved in the relationship and I just couldn’t. I am thankful I didn’t ever push through any of these awkward dating periods and end up marrying one of these girls, because it would have been very unfair to them, since they all deserved husbands who could truly love them and are attracted to them. The best I could ever offer was a high level of friendship.When I finally came to accept that I was gay, I thought I had no choice but to remain celibate. I did well for about 6 months. I had intimate heart-to-heart conversations with my Side B friends and that sustained my need for intimacy for a while, but soon it was also not enough. I deeply desired someone to do life with, someone to go on walks with, someone to go to events with, someone to share my dreams and frustrations with, someone to lay next to me when I fall asleep at night and someone who would be there when I wake up. Celibacy started to feel like a death sentence. I did not (and still do not) feel called to a life of celibacy.Most churches I have been to (and I have been to many, internationally and from various denominations) would see mandatory celibacy as the answer to a gay person’s problems. I recently read Sally Gary’s book “Affirming: A Memoir of Faith, Sexuality, and Staying in the Church” and I would like to share excerpts that were very encouraging to me:“I walked into the room where the elders were already seated around long tables. I had been invited by the leadership to give a workshop on ministry to LGBTQ people. This church had selected twenty men to serve as shepherds, and they were all present. They varied in age, with a few younger than I, but most were somewhat older. I shared my story and discussed the importance of open, honest dialogue about faith and sexuality in our churches.”“When I finished the presentation, I opened up the floor for questions. One elder expressed confusion about why some people consider the expectation of celibacy for gay people a problem. “Why is expecting people who experience same-sex attraction to be celibate unfair?” he asked. “It’s no different than being heterosexual and single, is it?” A few other elders began speaking up, insisting that it wasn’t the same. “Well, it’s different because they have to keep how they feel a secret,” one elder commented. The elders continued to engage the question. Everyone listened politely, sincerely trying to understand where each person was coming from. The one who initiated the question continued. “You know, I have family members who are single, who have never been married in their lives, and I don’t feel sorry for them. Maybe they didn’t choose to be married or didn’t have the opportunity, but they’re not hurting because of that. Why is it so different to ask a gay person to be celibate?” I wanted to ask if he had actually had those conversations with the single members of his family, inquiring about their happiness in being single, or if he was perhaps making an assumption. I wanted to tell him that no one had ever asked me if I was okay being single. Or if I ever got lonely or wished I was married and had a family. Maybe that’s because I gave the impression of being perfectly fine with my singleness and being independent, even when that’s not how I’ve always felt. I waited to see if the elders had any further comments, then offered a response. “It’s different because for a heterosexual person who’s single, there’s always the chance that they will meet someone, fall in love, and then have the option to marry. That’s always a possibility, with nothing hindering them except finding someone. But for an LGBTQ person who is a Christian and believes in a traditional sexual ethic, there’s no hope,” I said. “There’s no hope in ever being able to have the companionship that God designed us to need. For LGBTQ people living under a traditional Christian sexual ethic, that possibility doesn’t exist. We know this early on, when we are still young, in our teens and twenties, that if we live under the traditional guidelines of the church that confine marriage to a man and a woman, we will never be able to have that type of relationship.” There was silence in the room. “You know, Sally, being single is a whole lot easier to talk about when you’re married,” one of the older elders interjected. A smile came across his face, and I smiled back. Several others grinned and nodded their heads. “I think you’re right, Roy,” I answered. “Maybe some people can live a single life more easily—maybe they’re just fine with it. But I know lots of people who are desperately lonely as single persons.” More heads nodded. I could tell this was a room full of men who took their job of listening as shepherds seriously. “When we call LGBTQ people to celibacy, we’re not just saying, ‘You can’t have sex.’ It goes so much deeper. We’re telling someone, ‘You’re going to have to live your life alone.’”Most churches simply reason God created “Adam and Eve” and not “Adam and Steve”. Here is another excerpt from Sally Gary’s book that I think holds so much truth:“Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to form friendships with people far more knowledgeable of Scripture than I am. People who have studied the Bible longer, and studied it more deeply, than I have. People who have preached more sermons than I have heard in my lifetime, and I’ve heard plenty. These are the people I have trusted and sought out to help answer my questions, to help resolve the tension I have felt between my faith and sexuality. One of my most faithful conversation partners is a former Bible professor. “Sally, the one passage that I believe is controlling in the question of same-sex marriage is Genesis 1–3,” Terry said. “The creation story of Adam and Eve sets the parameters for marriage right there—marriage is between a man and a woman.” We had barely finished lunch before Terry wandered back into the living room to continue our conversation. For the last two days we had been talking about all the passages of Scripture dealing with same-sex sexuality, but now we were approaching the topic of marriage from a much broader perspective, looking at the “totality” of Scripture, as Terry insisted. After his wife, Joan, finished clearing the table and putting our lunch dishes in the dishwasher, she joined our conversation. “Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll give you that. Let’s say that the first three chapters of Genesis do dictate what we need to know about marriage.” Terry stopped pacing around the room and came over to sit down on the end of the sectional sofa next to Joan, folding his arms and putting one finger over his lips, looking very professorial. “If Genesis 1–3 tells us what to believe about gender and marriage, why do we not hold as rigorously to what God says about loneliness right in the same passage?” I asked sincerely. “In Genesis 2:18, God says it isn’t good for man to be alone. That’s the whole reason he made Eve, to be a companion for Adam, right? So that means God recognized that Adam needed someone besides the animals, right? And that not even God himself could meet Adam’s need for companionship, doesn’t it?” “You’re right, Sally,” Terry said. “That’s the way I understand the passage.” “But why doesn’t the part about God saying ‘It’s not good for man to be alone’ stand out as equally important?” I wanted to know. “You’re favoring one part over the other.” Terry told me he believed the passage was specifically talking about the man and the woman being suitable companions for one another, and that this was the most important part. “But what if,” I continued, “the most important part is about not being alone? What if that’s the lens that should dictate our interpretation of Genesis?” It was quiet, and I saw Joan glance at her husband. Terry stared at me, and soon I could see the twinkle in his eyes, his hand still hiding the slight smile on his face. “I don’t know,” Terry said. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about the human need for companionship.”There are much more Jesus loving LGBTQ people out there, who feel alone and rejected, than I ever realized. Over the past two years I have met so many Jesus loving men and women who are desperately alone – many of them feeling that the burden of mandatory celibacy has been placed on them.A song that stuck with me the last while is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5im_tBINf80" target="_blank">“Hey Jesus” by Trey Pearson</a>, that speaks of the desire for love and companionship that many LGBTQ Christians experience, but is only met with loneliness and (in many cases) rejection.May we become less focused on the rules and laws (like the Pharisees) that we have become culturally accustomed to – and our focus and attention shift more and more to the actual needs of people – which is what Jesus was always focusing on and ministering to.<div> </div>

My Trans Journey

Author: Harris

23 October 2023

When I first saw gender-swapped pictures of myself, I cried. Maybe it was actually possible to like my body, my face.What does it feel like to be transgender? It’s such a hard thing to pin down, almost like “How do you know that you are transgender?” Well, I didn’t, for almost forty years. I think it’s because I had no other experience to compare it to and I didn't have the words to explain my experience. I now compare it to being inside an invisible itchy whole-body suit that is oversized and without a zipper. You fumble along as best you can, trying to be “normal” and “good” and “godly”, but your big hands and goofy feet make you mess up everything all the time. You bump your massive head against every doorframe, and it makes you so frustrated, because you must just not be trying hard enough. You know this thing is uncomfortable and hindering you, but you don’t know what it is and have no way to take it off.I grew up in a very conservative Christian family and what my elders thought of the LGBTQ+ community was less than flattering. Everyone knew that I wasn’t the typical girly girl, and this led to a lot of people thinking I was “gay” (oh the horror!) in primary school already. The idea was so shameful that it was shut down immediately in my mind. I couldn’t even entertain the thought at that stage of my life, never mind thinking that I was transgender. I was simply a tomboy. That was it.The thing is, I have always said that I should have been born a boy, which should be some indication of me not being fully comfortable with my gender assigned at birth from an early age. As soon as I could dress myself, the pink and the dresses my mom tried to put me in were out of the door. I preferred helicopters and action figures over barbie dolls and glitter. I imagined myself as a dread pirate and a knight in a castle, never the princess. I even involved my male cousin in my pirate adventures, and we flew on imaginary magic carpets and skateboarded down the very small incline in our yard. We played cricket with the neighbourhood boys, and I secretly taught my cousin some karate moves (sorry aunty).I have a very distinct memory of when I was probably eleven or twelve. I had my hair cut short for the first time in my life and puberty hadn’t hit me yet. We’d also moved to a new place after my parents' divorce and the kids there didn’t know me yet. I was playing with some boys, and they just assumed I was a boy, (a fact which exhilarated me) and when they asked my name, I gave them a boy’s name. We had a great time until my mom called me, and they figured out I was a girl. I was saddened by the fact that I had to be a girl again.When puberty hit, I had to learn how to be a woman, shaving body hair and dealing with periods and boobs. My mom had made it evident, even if she’d never said it out loud, that I was a woman now, there was nothing to be done about it, and I just had to accept it.I had to unlearn things that were natural to me or learn to mask them. I always hugged people too hard or hurt them by accident because I was too strong. I had to stop doing things in certain ways because “girls don’t do that”. I had to change my walk to be more girly. I had to stop sitting in certain un-ladylike ways. I eventually had to stop playing cricket with the guys too.I did not, however give up on Michael Jordan and the NY Knicks (basketball) and when the Harlem globetrotters came around to South Africa, I collected all the collectibles. As soon as I could get hold of it, I started playing NBA 2000 on the PC, creating my own teams etc. I was probably one of very few girls who had a favourite car (the Ferrari Testarossa).I couldn’t imagine why anybody enjoyed wearing any kind of heeled shoe or dress (and I still can’t) when you could just be wearing jeans and a T-shirt with sneakers. And who would want boobs? I hated them from the start, and I hate them to this day. I hate purses, nail polish and makeup. I was never tempted by a bikini shop or glittery dress in a window.I did a lot of self-censoring and self-shaming because of my religious ideas and because I took my Christianity very seriously from a young age. I tried my very best to be a godly woman and Christian soldiered on through my high school, university, missionary training, and even a few jobs. But besides doing my best at women’s Bible study, groups and even having female friends, it felt like there was some secret book they had that I hadn’t been privy to. I could never make sense of relationships between women (still can’t).Looking back now, I can see that others perceived me as more masculine even at the time when I felt closest to God and my most feminine, than I saw myself. My mom’s alcoholic second husband was scared of me for some reason, for example. (That is a story for another time). I also believe they gave me a men's shawl at one of the villages we visited in India, so there may have been some confusion there already.After my mom passed away in 2021, I moved to the Netherlands. By this time, I had gone through an extensive period of deconstructing my faith and coming out the other end a reluctant agnostic atheist.It was here in the Netherlands that I promised myself that I would be true to being me, whatever that meant, I would wear what felt comfortable and do things that I wanted to do. I think it was that, combined with not being in survival mode anymore, that opened me up to new ways of thinking and new possibilities for examining myself.When I finally reexamined how I felt and what felt right for me, I realised that I had a lot of gender envy and body dysphoria. I realised that I wanted the beard hair I had been taught to meticulously pull out. I realised that I didn’t mind body hair as much as I minded having boobs. I identified much more with the gender roles and interests typically viewed as male. I didn’t want to spend hours getting ready to go out, I wanted to take a quick bath and wash my hair quickly. I wanted to go swimming without a shirt and pee next to the road.So, I started taking small steps towards confirming my gender identity. I grew out my body hair. I started using men’s body products. I shopped in the men’s section. Next, I asked a trusted friend if we could try out different pronouns and she helped me to choose a new name. I tried out the new name with her and a few close friends at first. Every little step felt good and affirming and exhilarating. Then, I decided to change my name and pronouns on Facebook, because it’s online and, I thought, fairly safe to do so. This had some unintended consequences as the people at work assumed that I was now out and changed my name at work, too. Even though it was much sooner than I had intended, it turned out to be a positive thing as it forced me to try out my new gender identity at work, which may not have happened for quite a bit longer. This too, felt right as I did.I am now fully out as a trans man, and I have never felt that the world has more possibilities than I do now. I can finally embody the things I’ve always wanted to, without being ashamed of it. I still have quite a journey ahead of me as I’ve yet to go on hormones or have surgery to align my body to my mind, but I can honestly say that I’ve never felt better and more hopeful for my future. I feel free and happy. I hope that wherever your journey leads, that you can find happiness and freedom. If there’s one thing Jesus said that I still agree with it’s John 8:32, “the truth shall set you free”.

Purity Culture and Ace Acceptance

Author: Josh

20 October 2023

How Christianity Turned me Ace: A Journey From Rape Culture to Queer-IdentityContent warning: the following discusses sexual assault in quite minor detail.“Anyone who looks on a woman [or any other person] with lust has already committed adultery with [them] in his heart.”If you grew up in any movement resembling purity culture, you are tremendously familiar with this verse and the following phrases that grotesquely depict the gouging of eyes. Many of us were brow-beaten into avoiding the ideation to lust—at all cost. If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off! If your browser is tempting you to lust, install Covenant Eyes. But wait a minute… what exactly even constitutes lust?Thoughtful Christians may have asked this question many times throughout their journeys. Rightly so, as incorrectly ascribing lust to one’s own experience is to unnecessarily thrust a horde of trouble upon themselves. Unfortunately, thoughtful Christians do not often get good answers to this question. The Greek word επιθυμήσαι, translated above as “lust,” tends to have a wide semantic range centering around desire and is used in Matthew 5:28 in an explicitly sexual context. This gets us a little further along in our answer, but do we even know what sexual desire is? Many would say “yes,” but have trouble explaining the concept. In defining sexual desire, people might say that their heart rate increases and they blush as they experience a physiological response to a stimuli. Usually, I reply that my body responds the same way after a good workout. Conversations and comparisons go on ad nauseam, but eventually we say with Justice Potter Stewart, “I shall not attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced with the shorthand [sexual attraction], and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it.”*We have just outlined the problem of sexual desire and compulsory sexuality. This is an issue that plagues asexuals—and all queer people, for that matter. If concepts like lust, sexual desire, and even sexual orientation can only be understood and expressed by those people normatively experiencing them, those that do not normatively experience these attractions will be left behind. To those propagating purity culture, the fact that some may not experience sexual attraction—at all—is of no concern. To these systems, everything is sexual. Everything is a threat to holiness. This is where books like “Every Man’s Battle” speak of “bouncing eyes” (to avoid looking at women at all) or being wary of women who enter your (I’m not making this up, this is the word they actually used) “corral,” which kinda compares women to animals. This is also why books like “Every Woman’s Battle” make the entire fight for purity about what women can be doing to “help” men not lust—that is, not experience attraction outside of marriage. In this philosophy all men experience an onslaught of addictive lustful cravings and all women are weighted with the responsibility to help ward off these desires. The particular form of this narrative that I was thrust into was to avoid all types of attraction at all cost—as I was an uncontrollably sexual male. Fortunately, my upbringing largely neglected to characterize women in the complementary battle.At my very conservative Christian college I encountered this problem in an extreme form. Not only was lust considered a disciplinary action, but any kind of sexual behavior outside of a very heteronormative marriage was prohibited. Keep in mind, lust and sexual behavior were not defined. We are operating with an “I know it when I see it” definition. The disciplinary action included academic suspension and even revocation of your college housing. Never mind that tuition was $40,000 each year, sexual behavior ended one’s academic career—no matter how much debt they had accumulated. Of course, this left students constantly wondering, “Where do we draw the line? How far is too far?” These were very important questions from a physical, financial, academic, and spiritual perspective—with no good answers. When my ex-partner and I began to date, we asked these questions vehemently. There were simpler behavioral questions: is kissing okay? Probably, other people do it. Heavy petting? Maybe not, that seems a little bit much. Long hugs? Seems a bit suspect, but morally tolerable. What about cuddling? That’s likely fine, but it depends on what “cuddling” actually means. Sexual intercourse? Absolutely not. But there were also more complex questions: what kind of outfits are you allowed to wear around your partner? What kinds (and how many) clothes are you allowed to wear while doing any of the above actions? Where is it appropriate to do the above actions (public or private spaces)? On the one hand, you may be showing too much PDA; however, on the other hand, you might not ought to be alone with a woman (otherwise known as the “Billy Graham” rule). How much accountability do we need? How much of the above action is morally acceptable? Do we stop at the lips or can we use tongue? The list goes on and on forever.The problem is that—when framed in the context of an external moral system of guilt, financial loss, judgement, and disciplinary action—none of these questions lend themselves toward conversations of “how do we best respect the rights, autonomy, comfort, and consent of the other person.” At no point does one ever consider what is actually best for either person. Instead, the answer to the hurricane of questions I asked above was simply that each person was responsible for their own moral conscience and—no matter the arousing circumstance—they would answer to God. My ex-partner entrusted me to take care of my own holiness by choosing** not to sin and I likewise with her. Thus, it became the personal responsibility of each person to ensure that they were not lusting.My first real sexual experience (while in this college) did not go well. It was an assault to my humanity at indescribably deep levels. It started off as usual—making out and heavy petting—but I sensed that the moral boundaries I had set up were quickly being overrun. I tried to stop it from happening. I recall at least three separate times where I physically removed my partners hands from my body, said “no, please stop,” only to have them return almost immediately. That night I all but cried myself to sleep and I spent the next several months extremely depressed. Even if I had the words or capacity to realize that I had actually been violated, I had still crossed the line into lust. In addition to the moral wrong, I would have been ruined as a student. Moreover, maybe it was my fault—my lines were not drawn narrowly enough. I should have listened to Billy Graham, Mike Pence, and Paul Washer: I shouldn’t have been alone in a room with a woman. In reality, the whole system—my partner included—was ridiculous and malevolent.It’s not a coincidence that an instance of rape occurred in a system of thought that conceptualized the human sexual experience as a fine line—a binary on-off switch—either “turned on” in sin or “turned off” in abstinence. In a world where only one boundary matters, the boundary of lust, all other boundaries cease to be important by comparison (no matter how necessary they may be to protect the autonomy or bodily safety of real people). Some might be wondering, with a system/person that does not value you, why even get married? The answer: compulsive sexuality. Purity culture cultivates a world where the heteronormative, monogamous, allosexual ideal is to be ordered above your own desires. Moreover, purity culture teaches that the sex-act binds one to another person (whether spiritually or physically) and this bind is best lived out in a normative marriage. I could not imagine a world where romance could exist without sex. A relationship that was merely committed, queer-platonic was not any more a comprehensible category than same-sex marriage. Marriage was the only place to live out any attraction—sexual or otherwise.While I was never physically violated again—at least in a manner where force was used—this first experience was a microcosm of the remaining relationship. Sex was viewed as a prescriptive, compulsive need that was required to be filled; where unmet needs resulted in a detriment to the health of my partner. Traditionally, evangelicals have presented this relationship in a gendered norm, where men require the satiation of their lusts at specified intervals by their wives or risk psychological and physical turmoil (see James Dobson’s 72-hour rule). In my case, the gendered norm was internalized and reversed—leading to deeper, emasculating shame. I knew my partner had a higher libido than I; therefore, in the language of 1 Corinthians 7:5, “The husband shall fulfill his marital duty to his wife.” Chronically, the overt possibility of infidelity was used to press me into (often uncomfortable and personally disturbing forms of) sexual intercourse. “No I am not really comfortable with that” was met with incredible disdain. After months of this and growing contempt she said “you’re just a paycheck to me.”For several years I thought something was wrong with me: I had failed to please my partner in some way. Maybe I wasn’t attractive enough. Maybe my personality was unbearable or my Christian upbringing had somehow made me a prude. Even now I don’t claim behavior that nears moral perfection, but for the longest time I really believed I had sexually and physically failed my partner. This was reflected in my attitude of sex: namely, that it is a demanding encounter that should generally be avoided if possible. Sex doesn’t feel that great and it gives people the opportunity for people to take advantage of me. Why would you ride down the interstate without a seatbelt for a little adrenaline rush? It seem hardly worth the risk. However—fairly recently—I discovered the asexual community and the nonbinary model of consent.The typical model of progressive sex-education involves enthusiastic consent as the gold standard of any sexual encounter. The basic idea is that it’s not enough for people to fail to speak “no” or actually give an ambivalent “yeah, sure, I guess” to a sexual proposition. Instead, the consenting party should be excited and happy to engage in the sexual encounter. As far as I can tell, this binary model of enthusiastic consent and rape has been taught for about a decade (from 2015 onward). The problem is, for people like me (ace-spec), we cannot really ever give an enthusiastic “yes,” because our emotional and cognitive affections involved in sexual attraction are not present. Asexuals do not experience typical sexual attraction and often cannot enthusiastically consent to the process of intercourse. Enter the nonbinary model: between rape and enthusiasm exists consent that is willing, unwilling, and coerced. Willing consent may be obtained under the pretense that the willing party acknowledges there are no consequences to saying “no” and engaging in sexual activity now may be beneficial to them later—even if they are not “enthusiastic” in the moment. Consent here may be withdrawn at any time, for any reason. More dubiously, unwilling consent occurs when one party says “yes” to sex largely out of fearing the consequences of saying “no.” In my case, I often thought my spouse would be emotionally abusive or generally unsatisfied without sex—so I consented. This is where most of my sexual encounters occurred throughout my life. Further evil, coerced consent occurs when someone overtly leverages another action against a person to force consent to sex. For instance, “If you don’t do X, I will continue to be mad at you.” Here, consenting to X, especially in a sexual encounter, is consenting under coercion.This really brings me back to my college experience. For people who were so concerned about sex, they astronomically failed to consider whether it was consensual or pleasurable. The same could be said about my conservative Christian upbringing, which largely abided by the same rules. Sex was for marriage—not the person.But let’s back up to the original question, what the heck is lust? The funny thing is that the Asexual community actually has several, well thought-out answers to this question. Here’s part of the solution: attraction is not singular or monolithic. Even if we were to take the most “literal” and direct interpretation of Matthew 5:28, there is so much more to the human experience than sexual desire. Aces have hundreds of micro labels to describe every aspect of physical desire. At the base level is the split-attraction model, stating that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are entirely different. One can be allosexual and aromantic or alloromantic and asexual. Oh, but it does not stop there my friends. There’s sensual attraction, aesthetic attraction, platonic attraction—and more! There is only one explicitly sexual affection: sexual attraction. Other types may be loosely associated with sexual feelings (for instance, sensual attraction involves craving non-sexual physical intimacy, such as hugging or cuddling—granting similar fuzzy feelings as sex and romance) but they are not inherently sexual.It is only because of compulsive sexuality that people interpret all scope of attraction as myopically sexual; which, in Christian circles, are therefore sinful. It was the church demanding that I fit into an etiology of “Every Man’s Battle” that I internalized as a struggle with sexual temptation. It was the demands from my partner that I sexually satisfy her in accords with the norm, to meet her needs at the expense of my own, that I suffered silently.Here is the craziest part: now that I have admitted I am asexual and queer, I am still sitting here asking the same questions about sexual (and adjacent) desire. Did I experience lust when I looked at that person or was it just aesthetic attraction? Am I platonically attracted to this relationship? Where are my sensual needs? I think I am fairly alloromantic but would my arousal in this other circumstance constitute sexual attraction? Will I develop sexual attraction after entering in a safe, committed relationship? I have no idea!I am, in short, just as confused as before. There is, however, a very important difference: I am no longer wracked with shame—placed by an external person or instruction. I am discovering myself. I am focusing on my own needs, dignity, and unique person. I honestly don’t know if at any point in my relationship with my ex-partner—or anyone else for that matter—involved bonafide sexual attraction. The amount of coercion that occurred makes this question hard to answer—maybe even unanswerable (see the microlabel Quiosexual for more details here). There is really nothing wrong with not being able to identify sexual attraction. I am well aware that I do not fit into the box that I wrote above, but I expect that I will enjoy the journey of answering that fundamental question: “What is sexual attraction?” *Yes, I am aware that Justice Stewarts words here were directed at defining hardcore pornography, not sexual orientation; however, the quote is still applicable in this context. **Careful readers might note that I am equivocating between terms like “lust” and “sexual attraction.” Even more thoughtful readers would correctly point out that sexual attraction—moreover sexual orientation—is not a choice.

First Visit to an Affirming Church

Author: Bri

19 October 2023

I was nervous. Hands dug into my pockets, I made my way across the street to the church building, wondering if I’d made a mistake in agreeing to this. Afraid of what I would feel around all these people. Feelings that have become too familiar in this setting: hypervigilance, sweat, stiffness, discomfort, insecurity, and defensiveness all surfacing. I was with someone I trusted though, and she had assured me there would be a lot of people there like me- queer in some way- so I was holding a little bit of hope deep down that maybe this time it would be different.I have had a lot of experiences in churches. Growing up, my family was the type that was at the church “every time the doors were open” growing up, which included at least Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night services, not counting special conferences, meetings, or other events. I went to a Bible college that was even more conservative and legalistic than my parents ever thought of being. I chose that. I was “serious” about serving God. I wanted to go into ministry in some way and show God that my life was totally in His hands and that he could use me in any way He wanted. There were good things about my experience at Bible college, but I have also spent years untangling many of the unhealthy messages I received there about how I relate to God.<o:p></o:p>Bible college is where I first realized I was attracted to women. I fell in love with someone and tried valiantly to hide it, but eventually landed in the office of the vice president and the way those rumors were handled was pretty traumatic for me. My sexuality got buried for many years and I didn’t deal with it besides acknowledging in my head that “I am sometimes attracted to girls.” Layer on top of that several other difficult and hurtful church experiences, sometimes with families in leadership, factor in that I am openly gay (well, in certain spaces), and it becomes an even scarier prospect to go back to church. To say I have a complicated relationship with church would be understating it a bit. <o:p></o:p>Even with these hurtful experiences and church and difficulties in my relationship with God, I tried so hard for so long to continue to go to church. I attended two different churches every weekend for over a year. I was faithful to multiple small groups. I invited people out for coffee, desperate to make friends and feel accepted again in a church, as I had been for much of my life. The truth is that I was struggling. I was still defensive and angry at God. My questions were not being responded to very well and I felt like a problem, a “downer” to everyone’s good time. <o:p></o:p>After another visit to a new church over two years ago, I gave up. I stopped attending church and I stopped looking to find a new one. I would occasionally go to church (sometimes with accompanying low-key panic attacks) with friends of mine if I visited them over a weekend but other than that, I stopped trying. That was hard to do, because I was holding onto that one proof that I was still “trying” as a Christian, despite my questions and anger and struggles with God. I was trying to prove to myself and others that I was still “ok” because I hadn’t given up on church yet. That choice to allow myself to rest and stop making myself go to church was difficult but ultimately needed for my healing. Once I came out to myself as gay about 9 months ago, trying to find a church felt even more anxiety-provoking. <o:p></o:p>So, as I walked into this supposedly “affirming and inclusive” church a couple of weeks ago, I was unsure it would feel any different than any other church had felt to me the past several years. The lobby was pretty typical and their fellowship room where we sat for coffee and bagels before the service began seemed like a place I would have frequented as a teenager or young adult. An older lady pointed at me from across the table to get my attention and asked me to get her “one more sausage patty” from the breakfast spread. It all felt very….normal and familiar. <o:p></o:p>But I was already noticing some differences. My friend introduced me to a couple of gay friends of hers right away. I saw others around me that were clearly queer in some way. Frankly, they looked it. They weren’t hiding anything about themselves or trying to pretend to fit into some kind of code or cultural norm. But for once, I wasn’t trying to hide anything either. I walked in with my friend, who is also a lesbian, who is out to the people in this church. I look like a dyke (That’s still hard to say sometimes because of leftover internalized homophobia, but I am aware of the facts on the ground). People surely had my number in this situation. They probably peppered her later with all kinds of questions about me and our relationship status. Although even that felt…good. The people at this church would be happy about anything romantic happening between us, just wanting her to be happy and healthy instead of judging her or I in any way. <o:p></o:p>Then there was the service and the overall vibe of the place. Everything that I witnessed fit the setting, from the use of pronouns and inclusive language to their explicit affirmation of openness to the LGBTQ+ community and their full invitation to be involved in every part of the church. It was “youth day” so there were some extra opportunities for youth to be involved in the liturgy, music and in serving communion. There was a wide age demographic in the church, a diversity of races, and as mentioned before, clearly queer people serving and leading in worship. I found myself relaxing into my seat, feeling more comfortable next to someone who has found an accepting place in this community and knowing she hasn’t been rejected because of her identity or past. Feeling genuine excitement and authenticity around me. A nice, fresh energy that did not seem to be hiding any covert agenda or seeming to put up a front to impress anyone. <o:p></o:p>Of course, no group of people is perfect, and I don’t know these people at all, but I do know that I did not feel on guard in a church service for the first time in a couple of years. The (female) pastor discussed what it might mean at the “end of all things” but kept an openness in her interpretation that brought peace and comfort to me. My reaction is particularly ironic since this subject is one of the most controversial theological issues in fundamentalism. I didn’t feel frustrated by the ambiguity or uncertainty in what was being discussed about the Bible. I found myself grateful for the work I have done and the healing that has taken place to allow even this approach to a difficult topic to be a good experience for me. <o:p></o:p> This would not have been possible for me a year ago: to be in a church surrounded by queer people, to be ok with the inclusive language and the humility in the presentation of the sermon, and most significantly, to be ok with myself in this kind of environment. Before, I would be so insecure and uncomfortable, being in this space with all this “ambiguity” and all these queer people, because I knew what was true about myself deep down but hadn’t been able to fully accept it. But here I was, fully ok with my gayness, very ok with uncertainty in my faith, and (more comfortable) with other people around me enjoying worship, even if I can’t quite get to the point of enjoying it myself yet. I know I’m on a journey and I am amazed at how far I’ve come already, especially in the last year. Going to church and being “ok” in church was a nice step in my journey that I am thankful to have made.<o:p></o:p>

It’s okay, let’s not talk about it...

Author: Ronnie

28 September 2023

In my early age my family knew that I was gay but they did not want to talk about with me. The only way they could talk about, or to have a conversation about it, was to say how evil and demonic it is. Through their conversations I could tell that they were indirectly sending me a message to change. As I was in a conservative church and I was so committed to church, I would pray and ask God to deliver me from being gay. I did pray and fast, but nothing changed. I didn’t accept that I am gay and in doing so I caused harm to my fellow LGBTQI folks and myself. I attempted suicide three times. After the last time in 2019, I felt that enough is enough and I took a decision to spend time with God. When I spent time with God, asking Him to deliver me, He still did not. I said, “God fix me or kill me. I am tired.” He never responded to my request, but He showed me the ministry that He expected me to do here on earth. That made me angry with God because I had an issue that needed to be dealt with before I could go do what he wanted me to do. One day, while I was praying, I saw myself preaching in an auditorium with rainbow flags. God had never said anything about LGBTQI folks before. With that vision I made up my mind to be an activist that would advocate for the LGBTQI folks in the church and promote inclusion. When I started having conversations about LGBTQI folks, I was named all sorts of names that are demonic and satanic. I felt like I was doing something wrong at times, but I never stopped because I felt that this was my calling. My family was ok with me not talking about it, but when I brought it up for the first time, I was told that am not part of the family anymore. I was kind of bothered, but not too much because God had dealt with my heart, and I continued constantly loving them. As much as they hated me, I loved them back even more, which ultimately was the greatest testimony advocating in my favour. After about a year and half we were reconciled as a family. Now I am mostly on good terms with them, because there are many who will pretend to love you, but still make funny comments and remarks. Today I stand as a proudly gay minister and will continue spreading the Word.

Going home: A painful and healing journey

Author: Bri

24 September 2023

I had some memories come up about the pastor of my “home” church the other day. I didn’t grow up under this pastor; he was hired after “my pastor” retired when I was in college. I did get to know him through the visits I would make home in the summer and the month or two I lived at home before I moved across the country. I watched his kids a good bit those few months, spent time with his wife, and enjoyed discussing spiritual topics with both he and his wife. This week I was reminded of a sermon I heard him preach a few years ago and the message I sent him after I listened. The thing is, I’m gay and I just really, fully came out to myself at the beginning of this year. I am only a few months into my journey of accepting and enjoying this part of myself after keeping it well under lock and key for 15 years (which had a severe impact on my mental health). But just the other day I went back and listened to that sermon from 2019, and the second part he preached just a few weeks later. You’ve probably guessed by now what these messages were about. The opening passage that was read was from Genesis 19: Sodom and Gomorrah. I am not sure what compelled me to revisit these sermons but as I watched and listened, there were a lot of feelings coming up. Hearing him vacillate between calling people “heretics” for believing differently and just denying the existence of…well…people like me hit in a totally different way than when I first heard it in 2019. You see, in 2019 I essentially believed the same way he does. That having “same-sex attraction” is not a sin, just a temptation to sin. Like any temptation, it must be resisted and kept in check so that it does not lead to sinful sexual behaviors. This is commonly called “side B” to differentiate it from an affirming position, or “side A.” I had realized 15 years ago in Bible college that I was attracted to women in a rather traumatic way. After that experience, I was extremely vigilant about my feelings and shut down anything that might border on sexual attraction to other women. I was convinced that it was not God’s will for me to act on any sexual feelings I had for another woman. I worked hard to be as straight as I could muster (I was kind of a failure at that) and still desired a relationship but began to lose hope that I would ever have someone to love. Nothing was working. However, by 2019 I was deep into a deconstruction journey in my faith and simultaneously coming to a more compassionate approach to myself and (other) gay people. My message to him after I first heard his sermon contained a suggestion for a few “good” books (that are side B at best), a brief praise for his approach, and a gentle push for more compassion and openness towards gay people. I was realizing the extent to which they (couldn’t really fathom myself as “one of them” yet) had been harmed in the church and I wanted to be as much of a voice on their behalf as I could without being too suspect about my own orientation or “sin struggle” as I would have framed it then. I can only try to be compassionate to my former self for where I was at the time, but I do cringe at my measured response and my obvious fear of outing myself. Because y’all, it was kind of awful. I won’t go into all the details of his straw-manning of affirming arguments, the straight-up (pun sort-of intended) ignoring of significant passages to make his point, the intellectual dishonesty and thought-stopping cliches (“we all know…”) that he littered through both sermons. I expected those things, although they were far worse than I remembered, but it wasn’t just the content that was striking me in a hurtful way. It was the context and setting. I know this man and his family. I know the platform carpet he is standing on. I literally helped build that building. I remember making cuts for the framing, painting walls (including an adorable Noah’s ark mural for the nursery) and nailing baseboards. I cleaned that church so many times, sang in that choir loft that he was standing in front of, often joining to sing with them on Sunday mornings when I was home from college, welcomed without even having been a part of their practice. I sang specials with my family and played trumpet for offertories. Here he is, standing on that rug on the platform, behind that pulpit I have sung and testified behind many times, speaking to people I have known my whole life. Like this. About me. Without even knowing he is speaking about me. He was also careful to ignore my existence as a queer Christian. He had no real answer or room for that segment of the population. His sermon was framed as a culture war issue with all of society’s problems coming from the (presumably straight) Christians who are being too permissive of the cultural narrative and the unbelievers who are turning “God’s created order upside down.” There was no serious dealing with the fact that sincere and faithful Christians could be living a gay lifestyle and not be facing “the recompense of their reward.” He wouldn’t know what to do with that. He wouldn’t know what to do with me. Except to just assume I have been led astray into “leftist ideology” and drawn away by my “own lusts and enticed.” My current relationship with the Bible is complicated, but more liberated. I came to a sense of peace and acceptance of my gayness back in January so quickly and in more of a “spiritual revelation” kind of way than being intellectually convinced by biblical arguments. What do I do with all these feelings? I don’t feel “qualified” to have these discussions on a cerebral level and don’t want to, frankly. My experience has been just that: an experience. One that I can’t fully explain or duplicate for others. I know my God is at peace with me and loves me and I am more at peace with him than I have been in years. I still have some relationship hangups with him and am trying to work through feelings of hurt and abandonment, but I have never lost faith that he is there. Now I feel so completely at ease with myself and with my place in this world, in a way I never have. I can’t explain that to a pastor like this, though, in any way that he will accept. He needs chapter and verse, logical steps for how I got here, to this affirming position. When all I really have is, “when I admitted to myself I did nothing wrong for having feelings for her, I knew I was ok” and that kind of explanation doesn’t fly with an independent fundamental Baptist. Not even close. But it’s more than enough for me. I know how vastly my mental health has improved since that moment, after struggling with chronic depression for around eight years. I know how much freedom and lightness I feel that I have never had before. I know how at rest I feel and confident in who I am in the world and see how that has improved relationships and my work as a therapist. I know how I much more relaxed I feel in my platonic friendships with women because I’m not constantly subconsciously hypervigilant about every move I make around them. I am able to be more open and genuine when I’m not thinking “don’t look too long, don’t touch too much, don’t get too close.” Everything is objectively better, even while certain relationships got harder. What I know more than anything else is that I wouldn’t go back to that girl sitting in that church, taking all those messages I was unwittingly ingesting about myself. I can’t go back. This path brings me life. Last I heard, that was still one of the ways Christ is defined: “life” (John 14:6), so I think I will stay on this path. My coming out didn’t require a convincing argument from the biblical evidence for an affirming position, but was my experience of admitting reality to myself and God about me, and knowing God’s love and closeness in a more substantial way than I had in years. That is enough for me.

Needing More than Good Conversations or Hugs

Author: David C.

20 September 2023

As I write this, I’m alone tonight. The dog is at my feet. The cat furiously scratches at his scratching pad. The refrigerator hums in the background. Cars pass by a brisk, soon to be Autumn evening. My housemate is out tonight. Off having fun with family friends. It’s quiet here, peaceful. But in the back of my mind, there is a fear. A fear of not being enough. A fear of it not working out. A fear of being alone. I’m trying to live a Celibate life. I’m trying to believe that it’s Gods call for me. But if I’m honest, sometimes I’m afraid. Afraid of the calling. Afraid of not living up to it. Afraid that I am not living up to it. Sometimes feeling deprived or starved of physical touch, or physical affection. Craving what I don’t have, and feel I can’t obtain, I turn to porn. To masturbation. To letting my heart overflow with lust toward others. To use them up, and then discard them, instead of caring for them or loving them well. To further complicate things, I have a strong attraction at times to my housemate. He has an amazing smile and an amazing personality. He’s patient and funny and caring. He’s handsome. We hug every night before bed. I love that immensely. But there’s times I want more. I want to cuddle. I want to kiss. I want to hold someone or be held. I want sexual intimacy. I don’t know what the future holds for these things. For us, or for me and someone else. I want to make a lifetime commitment to my housemate. I want to love and care for him well. I’m hoping and praying that both of our needs for intimacy (whether we realize them or not) are met in healthy, satisfying, God glorifying ways, whether that means staying “Side B” and celibate, or moving toward “Side A” and being in a relationship or becoming partners."

A Poem: And so are the gays of our lives

Author: Corra

18 September 2023

In the realm of love's pursuit, I tread, Through the gay dating's maze. I bare my soul, vulnerable and true, Hoping for a special someone to pursue. With every step, emotions run deep, Each encounter, a chance to sow or reap. But if they wound me, oh, it stings so sore, A pain that pierces my very core. Yet still I ponder, is it worth this strife? To navigate the tumultuous sea of life. For love's embrace, a treasure to behold, Could it outweigh the sorrows that unfold? In gay dating's dance, I find my place, A tapestry of hopes and dreams to chase. Through highs and lows, I search for connection, Yearning for love's sweet, affectionate affection. So though the road may be strewn with pain, I'll persevere, my heart shall not wane. For in the quest for love, there lies a chance, To find a partner in a tender, rainbow dance. One Day, on that porch we'll sit, hearts full and free, Reflecting on the days that used to be. With laughter and wisdom, we'll reminisce, Sharing stories of love, both hit and miss. The trials we faced, the dreams we pursued, Lessons learned, both joyful and subdued. In the twilight of life, we'll softly speak, Recalling the moments that made us weak. But through it all, our bond held us tight, Guiding us through the darkest of night. Together, we'll gaze upon life's grand show, The highs, the lows, how the seasons did flow. And as we sit on that porch, side by side, Love's tapestry painted in every stride. For in our hearts, a lifetime is stored, Memories cherished, forever adored. And as we look back, hand in hand, Grateful for a love that forever will stand.

My Story

Author: Lonestar

18 September 2023

I have been asked by my friend to write something for this new blog. Now I am never really one to just whip up something out of the blue. If I am going to write something I need to think about it carefully. Being a Caucasian Christian Afrikaans gay (masculine) man must be one of the most difficult things to be. Within that mouthful description lies a lot of social contradictions. I grew up in a family where, for the early part of me growing up, did not even know there was a thing such as a homosexual person. Going to church I listened to sermons of the original sin and was convinced that I am simply doomed. At school I could never figure out why my friends where swooning over girls and making remarks about their anatomical makeup. My own extended family also had a lot to say about “moffies” (Afrikaans derogatory name for a gay man), but nothing good. Slowly but surely I started putting 2 and 2 together to arrive to the conclusion that I am gay. It might have been stimulated by my folks getting Internet access in the house in the early 2000s. I might have done some illicit searches our of shear curiosity. Around 2009 I started coming to grips with being gay. It was torturous. I started to read as much as I can online. Because at that time I did not know another soul to talk face-to-face with about the matter. I found an online forum called Empty Closets and there I joined in conversations about how to deal with this new acceptance and how to come out to people and the rest. One afternoon an interesting thing happened. A young guy moved into the garden cottage of my next-door-neighbour. We immediately became friends through the similar taste in music. That one afternoon he asked me to go with him to a neighboring town to visit a girl he was dating and I agreed. At the event we visited we had some liquor to drink. Driving back later that night we stared chatting and he asked the one question I always dreaded to hear. "So what about you and girls?" I quickly blurted out my usual phrase in self-defense, but the guy was a bit more clever than I anticipated. He responded by assuring me that if I like guys it is okay with him (as long as I did not kiss him). That moment was like a landslide. For the first time in my life I could talk to someone. It was like a light was turned on. That little bit of interaction and gain in trust then allowed me to start coming out to close friends and later to close family. But not yet to my folks or sister. Not long after coming out to some friends I was introduced to a gay guy in town by a close friend. We started dating. It was my first relationship. The guy was older than me and was in a decade long relationship a while before we met. Not long into the fresh new relationship I had to come to terms with competing with another guy (the new boyfriend’s ex) and his weird friends and silly ideas. One evening I was shocked to find out he reads Tarrod cards to see what the future holds. As a Christian this was like a pole through my heart. All of this was a bit too much for me and I fled. Fast-forward nearly a decade and one morning I found myself in a beautiful little apartment holding my (then) boyfriend where I was crying and praying for him. During Covid-lockdown I started chatting to a charming and handsome man on Facebook. Not long after we could go out again we decided to meet up and see what we were about. It was a wonderful first meet up. There was an amazing spontaneous energy about it which was invigorating. But something was slightly off. A couple of times when I went out to clients I would receive messages from him where he made odd remarks about me treating him badly. I did my best te reassure him that I am devoted to him. And then later to get back home and smell alcohol in the air. The first couple of times I brushed it off as me being paranoid but one day it went too far. On the morning of the night of the worst fight of my life, I held my, then, boyfriend in my arms as he said he was not feeling good. I asked him to accompany me in my trip to the city. He declined. I held him tightly and I prayed for him to feel better and I told him I loved him - I loved him very much. The same thing happened just when I arrived at my first stop in the city. I got a text message from him where he accused me of cheating on him. I phoned and asked him why he had these silly ideas. But I could feel something really bad was going on. Later that everything, when I got home I found the place with every window and door open. He was passed out in the couch. I was in a state of terror. When he awoke an intense fight broke out. At one point he threatened to stab me with a kitchen knife. By some miraculous way I managed to lock him out of the apartment and then I managed to get my neighbour on the phone. They came to help me. They saved my life. Forward almost 3 years on I have since that terrible fight been in another relationship that lasted just more than a year. My parents liked the guy. We were welcome in each other’s homes and families. But then it dissolved like an effervescent tablet in a glass of water. Its been more then a year now that I have been single again. But I know my story is not finished. When I was tasked to write something for this blog I did not really know how to approach it but I guess my story is a start. And I want to round it off with the following: Even though I grew up in a conservative household and church I never abandoned the idea of God being my Creator or Jesus dying on the Cross for my sins. I have never been indoctrinated to adopt a belief system and I have always been fascinated by the Grace of God. Just recently I read a wonderful book by Dr Scott Peck, where he discusses Grace in a beautiful way. The day I realised that God is not going to smite me for being homosexual I started having conversations with Him. Many times I have prayed and asked Him to send me a companion, a soul mate. And when I found myself in a difficult or dangerous position I prayed and asked God to save me from it. I have asked God so many times to fill my life with Devine Love and with the capacity to share it with those who need it. I have also asked God many times to extinguish the urge in me of yearning for companionship. Who knows what the future holds? I am nearly 40 years old. I feel I have never really had the chance to love deeply. Sometimes I want to think that it is too late for me to experience a Blessed relationship with meaningful love, support and companionship. God only knows. And with all this written down I am still a Caucasian Christian Afrikaans gay man. There are still a lot of instances where I have to hide that I am gay. I have to put up my "straight face" to not dare to offend a certain group of people, not that I have any obvious feminine traits.

My journey through the “Sides”

Author: ettie.v

6 September 2023

If you are not familiar with the Christian LGBTQ “sides”, then there is a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Side_A,_Side_B,_Side_X,_Side_Y_(theological_views)">Wikipedia article</a> that briefly explains the different sides. Basically, a “side” is a theological position on homosexuality. In my study of them, I have seen that these sides fall at different points along a spectrum. For example, I have encountered very conservative and also very liberal Side B guys – although foundationally they agree on certain truths, they would still disagree on what they feel is allowed and not allowed. I have also encountered a lot of people who are not bothered about the different sides, but for me it was very helpful to be able to more concretely define what I believe and why I believe it, and therefore be able to defend my point of view – even to myself and my own heart. I have journeyed through all these sides at one time or another, even if I could not at the time necessarily put a name or label to it. Here is just a bit of my journey. I know that at the age of 7 I was already aware that I was different from the other boys. I didn’t want to play the same games that they wanted to play and it was just a lot easier for me to make friends with girls. As I hit puberty and became curious about the human body, I was not curious about what girls’ bodies looked like. I was curious to see what other male bodies looked like. I was taught that we have to respect girls and their bodies, and so when I gave in to watching porn, I never went looking for female bodies and had no desire to see a naked woman. I remember lying in bed one evening, during my high school years, thinking “I must be gay!” – but there was no place that felt safe enough to share this with anyone. So, it was my secret to keep. Journeying through Side X As I became more serious about my faith I decided that being gay or living a gay lifestyle was not an option – I needed God to “heal” me and “take the gay away.” So, I tried to pray the gay away. I fasted several times – thinking if I deny myself and deny my body food, then God will take away these desires that keep bubbling up. But God did not! It stayed! I tried dating a few girls, but the relationships would never go very far because I was never deeply emotionally invested. I just simply could not be. These were amazing girls – excellent marriage material – but not for me. They ended up getting hurt every time, and I walked away unharmed and unfazed, because I knew I didn’t really have any attraction towards them. I still hoped that if the right girl would come along – together with God and her sparkling personality – I would be able to have a straight relationship. I was lonely! I wanted a companion! I hated the loneliness! I started to suppress these feelings of loneliness. First Exposure to Side Y Still believing that somehow God was going to heal me and change me into the man that He wants me to be, I read the book “Out of a Far Country” by Christopher Yuan. It made sense to me that gays might not be able to change and could therefore live a life of celibacy… but I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I agreed that a Side Y lifestyle could be acceptable, but I didn’t want one – I wanted a companion and still trusted that God would somehow heal me. Exposure to Side B My first exposure to Side B writings was “Washed and Waiting” by Wesley Hill. It was while I was reading this book that I realized I needed to stop kidding myself – I am gay and it is here to stay… It is who I am and for some reason it doesn’t seem like God is going to “heal” me. It was time I needed to start dealing with this. The “Your Other Brothers” podcasts played a great role in helping me understand who I am as a gay Christian man and that accepting that I am gay does not accept that I am going to hell. For the first time I started to realize that there were many others going through the exact same struggles as I am – I am not alone! It was an amazing realization, and I made many Side B friends with whom I am still friends with to this day. I started to realize that as human beings, intimacy is not something that we desire, but need. I started to uncover the deep loneliness that I had within me and realized for how long I had been suppressing those feelings. I had really amazing, deep and intimate conversations with my Side B friends (mostly online) – and the conversations helped me to feel like I was not alone and part of a community or believers who experienced the same as I did. After a few months, the online conversations were not enough anymore and I needed something more. I knew I needed to look further and wider as to what the Bible really says regarding same-sex relationships. Gregory Coles, a Side B author, writes in his book “Single, Gay Christian”: “There are only a few things I know for sure about showing love to gay people, and one of them is this: If you really want to love us, you have to respect us enough to let us make our own decisions. Even if you think we might get it wrong. Even if you’re sure we have gotten it wrong. You can’t just tell us what to believe and expect us to believe it. That’s not how belief works—at least that’s not how it worked for me. I needed to be given the space to read the Bible for myself, to listen to God’s voice distinct from all the other voices claiming to speak on his behalf. I needed to give myself permission to hear both yes and no. Hearing from God isn’t hearing at all if we never take the risk of hearing more than one answer.” “As I write these words, I can almost hear my theologically conservative friends getting nervous. “But there is one answer,” I imagine them insisting. “God has already spoken. We can’t surrender truth on the altar of whim.” And I agree. There is a best answer to this question. If we love God, we’ll do everything we can to find it. Then again, if we assume we already know the answer, we’re not really searching for it at all. We weight the dice, we silence the evidence that threatens to change our minds, and we risk missing the very truth we claim to follow so unreservedly. Truth is a complicated thing.” As I read these words I knew I had to get answers for myself, instead of just following what I have been taught for years. I had to search out what God is saying to me personally. I needed to look wider than just my comfort-zone. Looking into Side A I started looking wider – into some Side A resources – which I had stayed away from, because of a fear of being led into deception by heresy. Although I didn’t find myself agreeing with everything in all of the resources I came across, some books that really helped me to see things from a different perspective (and that I would recommend to anyone to read) are: - Heavy Burdens by Bridget Rivera - Scripture, Ethics and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships by Karen Keen - Changing our Mind by David Gushee - God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines After doing some research and reading these books (among others), I came to the personal conclusion that the Bible does not say anything to condemn me for having a same sex relationship - I honestly believe this. There is talk of a "gay agenda" among Evangelicals. Personally, I feel translating the word "homosexuality" into the Bible (a word that didn't exist in any language before the mid-1800's) speaks to me of a "straight/heterosexual agenda." I feel that translating the word “homosexuality” into 1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy is poor translation, and it has had extreme consequences for millions of people with a great desire to follow Christ, but feel unqualified. Here are my personal observations at the time of writing this (and so they are very much subject to change) and why I lean towards Side A: To me, same-sex relationships is an issue that is simply not as black and white as the Church has made it out to be. Personally, and to my surprise, I didn't really find a strong Biblical base and arguments for Side Y and Side B and I can see more valid hermeneutical arguments for both Side X and Side A. Pertaining to Side Y and B, to me it just seems like people saw and understood that Side X leads to death, for many, so then it could be better to rather 'play it safe' and commit to live a celibate life. To me, it feels like for those of us who are gay and don't have the call or gift of celibacy, the options are basically to 'burn with lust' or 'burn in hell'. And to me this just seems very in line with Jesus accusing the Pharisees of laying burdens on people that they are not able to carry. Most of Paul's letters carry themes of not laying the burden of obedience to the law on people. So, in a nutshell... . I do not feel called to “play it safe” anymore and lean Side A. Is there a chance I am wrong? Yes, maybe... just like I could be wrong on any number of other theological issues. Am I condemned to hell for being wrong about this issue? No, I don't believe that this is the case. I have at times held Side X, some Side Y, then Side B and now Side A convictions. I know our views of things could (and should) change as we grow as people and as our understanding of God and His word grows. I look at <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWPx7jJy094&t=4144s">Wesley Hill and Karen Keen </a> – who have very different views and convictions regarding same-sex relationships, and yet (at least it seems like it) they are friends and have great respect for each other. My hope for the Church is that we would be willing to listen to each other and respect each other – even when our views and opinions differ. I hope that each person would feel the freedom to personally seek God’s plan for their lives.

Coming out as an Enneagram Type 9

Author: ettie.v

15 August 2023

I would like to share with you a song that has meant a lot to me over the past few years and share a few thoughts and ideas that I had regarding it. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TijTd60iFDw">Nine</a> by Sleeping At Last [Verse 1] Who am I to say what any of this means I have been sleepwalking Since I was fourteen Now as I write my song I retrace my steps Honestly, it’s easier To let myself forget Still, I check my vital signs Choked up, I realize I’ve been less than half myself For more than half my life [Chorus] Wake up Fall in love again Wage war on gravity There’s so much worth fighting for you’ll see Another domino falls Either way [Verse 2] It looks like empathy To understand all sides But I’m just trying to find myself Through someone else’s eyes So show me what to do To restart this heart of mine How do I forgive myself For losing so much time? [Chorus] Wake up Roll up your sleeves There’s a chain reaction in your heart Muscle memory Remembering who you are Stand up And fall in love again and again and again Wage war on gravity There’s so much worth fighting for, you’ll see Another domino falls And another domino falls [Verse 3] A little at a time I feel more alive I let the scale tip and feel all of it It’s uncomfortable but right We were born to try To see each other through To know and love ourselves and others well Is the most difficult and meaningful Work we’ll ever do --- Understanding my Enneagram type has helped me understand myself a lot! If you’re unfamiliar with it, the Enneagram is a <a href="https://www.truity.com/blog/enneagram/what-is-enneagram">personality typing system</a> that gives you some insight into how you interpret the world and manage your emotions. Enneagram 9s, for instance, are very “people pleasing” by nature, so much so that very often, they do not even know who they are themselves. As a type 9, I have always looked down on my own insights or opinions – making much more of what other people think. In that sense, I have been sleepwalking – alive, but not living my life – rather, I have chosen paths that would please others. I think I chose certain paths for the wrong reasons, to try and prove to others that I am not a bad person. For the most part, I was living through other people’s opinions, seeing myself through their eyes and doing what they thought was best, instead of taking responsibility for my own life and doing that which I felt was best and important. I have not been fully myself for most of my life because I have been scared of other people’s opinions. I have pretended to be the person that they want me to be and I have not allowed myself to just be myself — all in an attempt to avoid conflict or confrontation. I have been alive but not awake, not living my life as myself. I need to be constantly reminded to wake up! It is time to live! I need to move forward with my life and not be pulled down to stagnation, but to be moving – as who I am – and not as how others see me or like me or want me to be. There is much worth fighting for. God created me for a specific purpose and with a specific contribution that He wants me to make in this world. When I let gravity pull me down and keep me down, it does not stop the world from moving on and moving forward – the world will not wait for me – when I remain motionless or dormant – I miss out on life and on what God is doing around me. Enneagram 9s are very diplomatic – and I can be very diplomatic – to the extreme that I can understand two sides of a situation, that I, myself, do not even know which side I believe is right or wrong. Understanding both sides can be good – but what is my side? What do I think or believe? How is it possible that I do not know and do not have an opinion, but find myself stuck between all the sides? I often feel like I struggle to find direction by myself, but need someone to tell me what to do. For too long I followed what others thought was right, that I completely lost myself. I must discover who I really am and pursue my passions and purposes in life! I need to take the initiative and move forward! I cannot just go through the motions of life. Fight being lethargic. There are a lot of worthy purposes to live for, and worthy causes to fight for. As I take action, it will bring life! I have never felt as alive as when I admitted to myself who I really was – I am gay. I can stop pretending otherwise to please others – it is uncomfortable but right. I can love myself for who I am. And I can love others for who they are – even when I do not see life from their perspective. God has called us to love! [He didn’t call us to change others – that is His work!] Loving others will be more meaningful than debating with them.

Judgement and Law and Grace

Author: ettie.v

15 August 2023

It is easy to spot when others do not do as we think they should – to shake our heads in disapproval. I have been guilty of this many times. Jesus says: “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” Matthew 7:1-5 (NLT) Paul says: “You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things?” Romans 2:1-3 (NLT) It is easy to see the deeds of others and disapprove. Jesus and Paul say that we should be wary of judging others based upon their deeds. Salvation is not based upon deeds! None of us want to be judged by God based upon our deeds – because all of us will be found guilty. When we as Christians look at our own lives, we can recognize that we need God’s grace for us to be saved, but when Christians look at the LGBTQ community, then we as part of that community are judged and condemned by Leviticus 18:22 and Leviticus 20:5. Jesus says: “The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.” I guess it is natural to want to apply the literal letter of the Word when it suits us, but not when it is an inconvenience, or not in line with our understanding and interpretations, like not working on a Saturday, circumcision, eating bacon, mixing fabrics, owning slaves, allowing women to speak in church, head coverings for women, and allowing people born out of wedlock in our religious meeting places. The letter of the law kills. It is exclusive. It places unbearable burdens upon people, and it is unattainable. But God’s love and grace brings freedom and life. Justin Lee, author of Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs-Christians Debate, writes: “Paul was right: Truly living out God’s agape love for others always led to doing the right thing. Sin always resulted from selfish desire in one form or another.” “Yes, we’re saved by grace, but I’d usually thought of righteous living in terms of following rules about what you could and couldn’t do as a Christian. Yet Paul seemed to take the opposite view…” Lee references the following scriptures: “Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? Colossians 2:20–21 (NIV) “Before this faith [in Christ] came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law.” Galatians 3:23–25 (NIV) “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” Galatians 5:13–14 (TNIV) Lee continues… “…the way of living out our freedom without sinning, is by serving one another humbly in God’s agape love. If we live out that love in selfless service of others rather than indulging our own selfish desires, we will automatically do what God has called us to do. Sin comes from our own selfishness, not from selfless love.” “From a Christian perspective, everything in the Bible—Old and New Testaments—points toward Jesus. The sacrifices, the rituals, the rules—all of these are just shadows of the reality in Christ.” Colossians 2:17 (NIV) “Christians usually understand the Holy Spirit as the “Helper” Jesus promised to send, the indwelling of God in the hearts of all believers. The Holy Spirit knows the purpose of God’s laws and can guide us in interpreting and applying them to our situations, superseding the letter of the law when appropriate, and helping us to fulfill God’s ultimate desire for us on earth: not to be slaves to a set of rules, but to live out God’s unconditional agape love in every moment of every day. “ “That’s why Paul says: If you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.” Galatians 5:18 (NIV) So, instead of judging others for the deeds they do, we are called to love others and to live by the Spirit. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV) I am still mostly closeted, so I have been within hearing distance of people who have said very hateful and hurtful things about me, without them even knowing that they were speaking about me. I’ve heard friends say things like: “All gay people go to hell!” or “Gay people are an abomination!” or “All gay people should be killed!” and all kinds of comments regarding the “gay agenda.” These statements are quite hurtful, to me and many others, and I do not find this in line with living a life being led by the Spirit. I believe that when God’s judgment comes, His grace will be enough for me! I am no longer a slave to the law, but called to love my neighbor no matter who they are – what nationality, what race, what sexual orientation, what status they have in society, no matter how rich or poor – everyone!

Lost Relationships

Author: ettie.v

15 August 2023

I am still a closeted gay man for the most part. Most people who know me do not know that I am gay. I am pretty sure that this is a part of who I am, and that they will not understand. Because most of my friends are Christian, I will most likely lose most of my friends. As an Enneagram type 9, the greatest barrier to coming out to everyone is the relationships that will be lost in the process. The circles I have found myself in over these last few years have been mostly conservative Christian. I know that the news of me being gay would not go over well. It is very likely that many of these relationships would come to an end. It is a hard reality. One very close friend – who I have heard refer to me as her “best friend” – will probably be one of these relationships that will not survive my coming out. We get along very well and have had many heart-to-heart conversations. But she has made her feelings regarding the queer-community quite clear. She calls me her “best friend”… but am I really? If she knew everything about me and who I am, would she even want to be my friend? Now, I have been battling with the hard question of “is our friendship even real?” It feels like she loves me as her friend… but… not for who I am, but rather for who she thinks I am – and who she wants me to be. Unfortunately, this is the case for most of my friendships that I have had over the years! The even harder question is: Is it my fault for nurturing “fake friendships” because I was not 100% transparent about my sexuality? But how could I have been transparent if I myself did not really know and did not even really understand… and if it never really felt safe to disclose this part of who I am? It always felt easier to just pretend – even pretending to myself. Some friendships will come to an end… but just like some relationships will come to an end… it is also an opportunity for new relationships. I recently watched an episode from the television series “Love Victor” (S01E08), and there was a scene that struck me. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2sbTxqhzlY">(Watch the scene here)</a> It was a revelation to me that I might face rejection and hate, and even lose some relationships that I value. However, there are people and communities who are willing and open to accept me for who I am – and not for who I am pretending to be. Instead of hiding who I truly am to be accepted by people, I could look for people and communities who will accept me for who I am. They are out there! Instead of clinging to old relationships that cannot survive me coming out as gay, it might be better to start looking for accepting communities and people – and work on building these friendships and relationships. I am thankful that the Lord has given me some amazing friends who have not abandoned me! Friends who I came out to, and our friendships deepened and have gone to the next level! God has also added new friends – many of them online – who have gone through the same challenges I have and have had many similar experiences. When it comes to true friendship, acceptance and inclusion should not be an issue! True friends accept us for who we are. They are rare, and very valuable. They stand by us as we work through the difficult questions in life, and do not have a “their way or the highway” attitude. True friends are there for us, even when everyone else leaves.

What if I am wrong?

Author: ettie.v

15 August 2023

Just among my friends, there are many different opinions regarding theological issues – baptism, communion, the rapture, spiritual warfare, prosperity teachings, predestination, and many more. I have learned to be able to put our differences aside and focus on that which is important – on Jesus, that faith in Him is our way to salvation, and that I want my life to glorify Him – wherever I find myself! I grew up Reformed and went to a more Pentecostal/Charismatic Bible college, which I believe brought a lot of balance in my theology. I have been in ministry and worked interdenominationally for more than 13 years. I have never been in a church where I agree with 100% of all the teachings. Like I said, even among close friends, we differ in what we believe the Bible really teaches. This does not disqualify us from being brothers and sisters – still… one of us is right and one of us is wrong. Leonard Sweet said, “I warn my students that at my very best, 80 percent of my theology is correct, 20 percent is wrong. The problem is, I’m not sure which is the 80 percent, and which isn’t.” What does it feel like being wrong? Most people would say that it feels bad to be wrong. But, for the most part, being wrong feels exactly the same as being right, since most often we don’t know or understand that we are actually wrong. Most of the time, we think we are right! When I discover that I am wrong – only then do I feel embarrassed or humiliated. It is possible for us to be wrong about something that we feel 100% certain about. It is only when we are open to considering that we might be wrong that we are placing ourselves in a position where we could grow. We are without a doubt wrong about certain things. When we realize we are wrong and we learn the truth, then we grow. If we never change our minds – and we still believe exactly the same as we did 10 years ago, then we didn’t grow. I believe I did a lot of growing over the last few years. I realized that the Bible was not as black and white regarding same-sex relationships as I always thought it was. I realized that there might be room for me to be me – to be the gay man I always suppressed. Immediately the questions pop up in my mind: “What if I am wrong?” “What if living a gay lifestyle is not acceptable to God?” “What if I end up living in sin?” “What if I end up going to hell?” Maybe the larger question is: “Can I still trust in the goodness of God?” For many gay Christians there is real fear involved in these questions. Jesus said concerning those crucifying Him: “Forgive them, they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34a) I believe that even if we end up being wrong in our beliefs and convictions – we can still trust that God’s goodness, grace and love is enough! There is certainly a chance that I am wrong and that I have completely missed God on this. Does that mean I need to play it safe? Live a celibate life… just in case I am wrong? In Matthew 25:14-30, we read the parable of the 10 talents – and the master is furious at the third servant who played it safe. It sometimes seems reasonable to play it safe – but what if that is exactly what infuriates the master? At surface level, it seems like the master is only concerned about profit (and we should not waste the gifts that God has given us). On a deeper level, it is about how we relate to God. The servant was afraid of the master and operated from a fear-based mentality. God does not want us to play it safe because we fear disappointing Him. God does not want us to live in fear… but rather live in freedom, in His love, in His mercy and in His grace. Blog inspired by and based on a free devotional: What if I am wrong? By Shannon Casey on “Our Bible” app.

Gay 4 Jesus Blogposts:

The slippery slope—sex and shame: A critical examination of the Billy Graham rule

One Year Later

Clobber Passages - Romans 1

Clobber Passages - Sodom and Gomorrah

Meaningful Song: Come out of hiding

New Year's Eve Reflection

Clobber Passages – Leviticus - The Law

Celibacy

My Trans Journey

Purity Culture and Ace Acceptance

First Visit to an Affirming Church

It’s okay, let’s not talk about it...

Going home: A painful and healing journey

Needing More than Good Conversations or Hugs

A Poem: And so are the gays of our lives

My Story

My journey through the “Sides”

Coming out as an Enneagram Type 9

Judgement and Law and Grace

Lost Relationships

What if I am wrong?